something else...

so long and thanks for all the fish...

2009-02-15T10:16:00.001-06:00

it's time. i have just accepted a promotion at work which will effectively consume all of my mind and creative energies. i don't know what's going to happen in the future, but i know that if we're going to dig out of this hole that we have gotten ourselves into as a nation then we are going to need strong leaders and a lot of hard work. which is why i feel like it is time to jump back into the game, and why i feel god has provided this opportunity.

my life has seemed to be on a series of three year cycles. and this blog has lasted about that long. it has been wonderful getting to know you all and talking about the things that swirled around inside my head and herat. as well as having hearts willing to help this one heal. the impact of everyone i have met here has ben nothing short of revolutionary in my life. but now i find that i am out of things to say. i have effectively deconstructed my world and allowed the spirit to rebuild a new one. now it is time to engage the world with this new reality firmly in place.

all i can hope is that i was able to offer an interesting perspective for you all to ponder. and that maybe, just maybe, our interactions have changed you as well.

before i go here's one last song. it is one of my favorite "closers" from toad the wet sprockets' album, Fear.

much love,

jON

"One part of me just wants to tell you everything
One part just needs the quiet
And if Im lonely here, Im lonely here
And on the telephone
You offer reassurance

I will not take these things for granted

How can I hold the part of me that only you can carry
It needs a strength I havent found
But if its frightening, Ill bear the cold
And on the telephone
You offer warm asylum

Im listening
Flowers in the garden
Laughter in the hall
Children in the park
I will not take these things for granted
Anymore

To crawl inside the wire and feel something near me
To feel this accepting
That it is lonely here, but not alone
And on the telephone
You offer visions dancing

Im listening
Music in the bedroom
Laughter in the hall
Dive into the ocean
Singing by the fire
Running through the forest
And standing in the wind
In rolling canyons

I will not take these things for granted"

happy VD everyone!

2009-02-13T09:01:00.000-06:00

roots: ozzy and judgement day

2009-02-10T11:21:00.005-06:00

it seemed strange to me at first that someone who has been denounced by christians the world over as being "evil" would talk about things like this. but as time went on and the message made more sense to me i began to wonder if things weren't somehow backwards. but now i think that in their desire for overwhelming freedom and a life without any restraint, many artists/lyricists who are willing to say ANYTHING find themselves being inspired by The Spirit to share some bold things that most people just won't say. are they aware of it? i don't know. i honestly don't. and one guy, oddly enough, who i think has been "spoken through" on more than one occasion is ozzy osbourne the "prince of darkness" himself. i am fascinated that he spoke of judgement day once when he was a much younger man. and now, 38 years later, he is still talking about it. if you have a few minutes to kill and want to hear some great music for thought, give it a whirl.

what fascinates me the MOST about the newer song, however, is that it doesn't sound like an indictment of individuals perse to my "other" ears. i DO think that element is there, and perhaps that's what ozzy was driving at. however, what is bleeding through, to me, is a message from The Spirit condemning her ancient foe Mammon and all the havoc he has caused.

"Generals gathered in their masses
Just like witches at black masses
Evil minds that plot destruction
Sorcerers of deaths construction
In the fields the bodies burning
As the war machine keeps turning
Death and hatred to mankind
Poisoning their brainwashed minds, oh lord yeah!

Politicians hide themselves away
They only started the war
Why should they go out to fight?
They leave that role to the poor

Time will tell on their power minds
Making war just for fun
Treating people just like pawns in chess
Wait till their judgement day comes, yeah!

Now in darkness, world stops turning
Ashes where the bodies burning
No more war pigs have the power
Hand of God has struck the hour
Day of judgement, God is calling
On their knees, the war pigs crawling
Begging mercy for their sins
Satan, laughing, spreads his wings
All right now!"

"It's in the lives that we lead
Setup for money and greed
A little isn't enough we have to use it all up
Success, excess, the truth is inconvenient

Oh hang your head
Pillaged and left us for dead
You kept us blind and mislead
How could you think nothing's wrong
You won't be smiling for long
When it's all gone, gone
We can never go back

Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come down
Turn your head away ignore the fear
Watching the ice crash down

Our father's justice gets closer
How could you screw us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar
The almighty dollar

Poison the air that we breathe
Chained to industrial need
Destroy the souls that you steal, the radiation is real
Debate, too late, you've built our funeral pyre

You kill my faith
Mother earth, desecrate
Deceive the whole human race
I know you think nothing's wrong
We won't be breathing for long
When it's all gone, gone
We can never go back

Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come down
Turn your head away ignore the fear
Watching the ice crash down

Our father's justice gets closer
How could you fuck us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar

Death, doom and disaster
The point of no return
No earthly life ever after
Is it too late to learn?

Burn into the air and atmosphere
Watching the rain come down
Turn your head away ignore the fear
Watching the ice crash down

Our father's justice gets closer
How could you fuck us all over
Rape, steal and murder
God bless the almighty dollar
The almighty dollar"

the color wheel

2009-01-25T03:31:00.007-06:00

with the data i've gained over the past few years in research, interviews, and experiences, it almost seems as if people and their experience of god is like a color wheel. not everyone's experience of god is the same. some people's experiences are the same, or at the least, very similar. they are in one "color". yet they also share similar shadings with the groups next to them. and so on and so forth until we get to the opposite side of the wheel. when seen in progression, it makes sense. starting at one point, and blending into the next, to create something that looks slightly different than the original, yet still retaining some of its original quality.

for example, christianity sharesa good deal with judaism and islam on the spectrum of beliefs. (contrary to popular apologetics) not to say they are identical, not at all. but they share many similar qualities that makes them similar yet not completely equal. the same can be said in the other direction with hinduism and its belief in the interconnectedness of all things. or budhism's emphasis on a permeating state of peace and overcoming the desires of the flesh. or how both hinduism and budhism share concepts of transcendance and overcoming the world.

but once you reach the opposite side of the wheel, however, you realize that the color of belief over there doesn't contain a single drop of your color. elements of colors you've rubbed shoulders with, to be sure, but not a drop of your actual "color". it can be easy to write people of those beliefs off as completely different than yourselves and therefore, wrong, but when you look with wider eyes, you see that they are not your opposite, but rather your compliment. you're not two separate entities or enemies.

for example, atheism. at first glance, it is completely an opposite belief from christianity. but when inspected closer, it is still someone who had a life changing moment. a moment in which they had an epiphanical realization that made sense to them. and somehow, in that internal transaction of mind, heart, and spirit, that person was freed to become a more engaged, compassionate, hard working person bent on living in this manner for the benefit of all humans. they have become born again.

and that, for me, is the defining moment. the thing that makes everyone on it a part of the wheel. a moment in which life becomes radically changed by a thought or belief that suddenly clicks into place, and a person's inner being changes, and they become a new person. it seems that although it takes many forms, at some level, those of all faiths seem to have had that "born again" experience. we're part of the same circle. we're all in this together whether it looks like it or not.

to be sure, there are several who claim to be a part of the color wheel, and lay claim to a certain "color" either because they have been exposed to it in culture and they wish to fit in. or they have been raised with it and "that's just the way it is." these people generally have not had the color wheel experience. what i am talking about are people who have come to a moment of reckoning in their lives in which they are honest about who they are at heart, and what they think at heart about this issue, and it changes them forever. not that they stop changing from this point on. but rather it is a first step down a completely different road of growth and learning.

rote: being like god

2009-01-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

here is an old post from last year i never got around to finishing. i touched it up a little and decided to throw it out there...

i have heard it said my whole life that the "original sin" is that adam & eve wanted to be like god. in fact it is this same thing that we are told about that enigmatic character known as lucifer. that because they wanted to be like god, they were punished and to want to be like god is wrong and sinful. yet, how many times in the same building and from the same mouths are we told that jesus is god and we are to be like him. so which is the truth? is wanting to be like god a sin? is jesus really god? is it a sin to want to be like him, then? if so, why are we encouraged to do it? if not, why are we taught that the original sin is wanting to be like god?

aren't we supposed to be like god? shouldn't we desire to be like her? wouldn't this world be a much better place if we were all like god? if we are to be like christ, and jesus only did and said what the father showed and said, shouldn't we be trying to be like god? isn't that what god wants?

but the real crux of the problem comes for me in the form of this: the original commandment given to humans as recorded in the bible is to not "eat of the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil." however, is this not what most legalistic religions (christianity, islam, judaism) have as their main diet? nothing but heaping helpings of the "knowledge of good and evil" day in and day out? cramming it in as fast as we can shovel it constantly craving and downing more and more and more and more?

i had a hunch a few years ago that what jesus' death accomplished for all of us was to return us to a "garden state" in which everything was okay again. the law was overcome and done away with. only two things remained. to love god with everything in our beings and treat others the way we wish to be treated. in this view, nothing is then "off limits" as we would think of classical explanations of "sin." rater, what needs to be off limits is asking whatn is evil and what is good. which only leads to judgement. which we are warned away from. paul even says this by telling the people of rome not to ask "who will acend or who will descend. but rather...the word of god is near you."

what would life be like without this knowledge? what would be open to our consciences? to be able to DO ANYTHING BUT eat of the "fruit of the knowledge of good and evil"? can you imagine it? having that kind of wide open boundless freedom?

so then is this a wise course of action (steady diet of the knowledge) when it is the thing that set god off in the first place and was the root of our disconnect with god? the very roots of our expulsion from the garden? should we continue shoveling it in? is it just too late to go back, or can we still livein this manner?

roots: god hates us all

2009-01-11T10:30:00.005-06:00

this is not for everyone. the music is loud, the lyrics highly offensive. if that's not your thing, consider yourself warned. but since it's so quiet around here, i thought i'd open the windows and crank up something nasty and loud.

it took me 26 years to work up the courage to listen to slayer. but as i began to delve deeper into the world of metal music, i realized that i needed to hear them sooner or later. this is a group that were pioneers in the "speed" metal genre, pushing themselves to play harder and faster with every album. in fact, i don't think the word "ballad" even exists in their vocabulary.

but this isn't really a history lesson. it more about this one song in particular. slayer have never backed down from dark, violent, or shocking lyrical content. they have always let it all hang out there. and when i heard them for the first time, i could see why they had garnered such a following with their music. they're really good at what they do. lyrically, it doesn't really grip me that much. i don't need to hail satan in order to separate myself from the church culture at large.

but there is one song of theirs that did capture my imagination. it is called "disciple."

the fascinating thing is that i understand. i grew up in a religious construct in which i could form a worldview like this. in fact, i think for many of us, this is exactly the sentiment that caused our "god-world-views" to crumble. slayer just went a different way with it than several of us. nevertheless, in this song, slayer loudly, definantly, yet confidently reject the false genie god of contemporary christianity (be it catholic or protestant) and share what the true underlying message that is communicated in most churches regardless of the language used.

we may hear all the time that "god is love", but when the attitudes and stories are shared and lived with for any genuine length of time, it becomes clear that the real message is indeed, "god hates us all."

any thoughts from anyone else?

2009: the year in preview

2009-01-11T10:03:00.003-06:00

i know i can't predict the future. but these are some things i would like to see happen in the future. i know that i would like to continue talking about community, the different implications of the word, and the myriad of different ways that community can take shape in the world we find ourselves in today.

i would like to keep asking difficult questions about the bible and theology. there are still several things i've never heard sermons on, and i would like to look into them deeper, in community, if possible.

i would like to continue to contemplate the existential nature of our universe and deeper ways in which those thoughts shape the way i view and interact with the world.

i would like to continue to discuss "abilities" or "gifts" or "powers", i don't really know what to call them. i would like to continue experimenting with my own, as well as talking with others about theirs, so that we might learn how to use them, together, in ways that can make a positive impact in the world in which we live.

i would like to continue my "roots" series and talk about some more metal songs that make me think and why.

i would like to continue drinking coffee, hanging out in the Kitchen, sharing our lives with each other.

i would like to continue to learn how to be gracious to trolls. not that i expect them to listen or be changed, but because i don't want to become a hypocritical characature, commonly and loudly oblivious to the fact that i have become exactly what i hate in responding to people with a differing viewpoint from the norm in hostile and condescending manner. just because my point of view is different doesn't make the behavior any more acceptable. especially when it was that behavior in the first place that gave me a distaste for evangelicals. how can i expect to be better than that if i am displaying the same traits?

i would like to continue to complain about church less and less. it's easy to target the church and differences between us or perhaps even make fun of them for things they do, but i would rather just move on and focus on more positive things. we're different from each other. enough said.

i would like to continue to meet new people and travel to new "neighborhoods" here in (blog) where i don't know anyone.

but mostly i would like to continue to be myself. to continue to speak uncensored and be honest with everyone about who i am and what i think without fear.

2008: the year in review

2009-01-07T08:43:00.006-06:00

in 2008 i posted a lot of crap. no. it's true. with rowyn learning how to walk and grab and run in rapid succession, less time was available to me to sit and post. so i just found lots of little things to keep people coming back for a brief while. things like comedy clips, songs, and short probing questions. but this was also a year of major transition for me. and as the posts came to me, the good stuff came through.

in january i was still racked with grief over my dad's death. but i was able to find another small amount of closure with my whole church-betrayal ordeal as god revealed that he did it to give me more street cred with the people i walk among. i mean, these metalheads and lesbians might hate church and church people, but they've never been kicked out of one!

february brought one of my favorite art posts in which i did an autobiography in album cover art. i also had a crazy conversation over at deconstructed christian that ended up spilling over into a series that lasted until the end of june. for me, this was a major turning point in my blogging as it was the first time i tried to be gracious to people who hold a more traditional viewpoint instead of being hostile as demeaning. it is also the first time i moved from asking questions and gathering data to sharing the things i believe in my heart that i have found since i started chasing the questions. if you have the time, it's worth a revisit to the posts and conversations.
velvet elvis 1
welcome to my abode
abode part deux
abode cubed
abode cuatropointone
abode denoument: enter the religion of rote

along the way during that stretch of time i stopped making new "posts" for a brief period and instead asked a series of varied questions for discussion. out of that time period, from one of the discussions, a game was birthed into (blog). apples 2 apples was born. (and it's still going!)

in july i gave you all some homework in the form of heart exercises. did anyone try it?

then, at the beginning of august a conversation started that, for me, is still going. most of those posts, however, i reposted a couple of months ago, so i won't overkill it here.

thanks to everyone who has been willing to engage over the past year. here's to another one and wherever it may lead...

2009-01-05T15:05:00.003-06:00

11:30 on 11/30

2008-12-01T09:22:00.012-06:00

2008-11-20T00:26:00.005-06:00

i've decided to use the symbol:

(blog)

to replace "the blogosphere" in my writing.

i don't know exactly why it appeals to me so. i think i like the way the parenthases look. part of a greater sphere that we can't see. hinting at more unrevealed. kind of like... what you see isn't the whole story. there's more underneath.

plus i think it looks good as a symbol. to give this place, in my mind, more of a "whereness" about it. an authenticity about it. an identity, in my own mind. this crazy sewn together group of folks from all over the world. creating new paradigms and new cultures together that erase old boundaries. my head is really baking from overload on all of the infinite possibilities stretching out before us right now. and i need to do a little thing jimi hendrix used to talk about and "get my heart back together."

because as i look into the future as an individual and look at the world as it is now, i have to ask myself what kind of a world i want to be involved in. and as i feel the walls of corporate american commerce closing around me, trapping me in in the physical world, i am suddenly inspired to realize that with this "place", this (blog), i can stop shopping based on geographic convenience. i can talk with people and find out about great businesses i can support by purchasing what i need from them here. it could be across town, it could be across planet.

weird ideas like that. things that could have real potential at creating geunine alternative to popular modern society. in fact, i think if a group of folks from around the world tried, they could create their own global community supporting one another like that. hmmm. i don't know. just flickers. flashes.

sorry. i don't really know what to say. i just feel like i'm supposed to talk about this a tiny bit, as far as i understand it right now. (which is hardly at all)

then post this song:

then walk away.

abode: infinite possibilities part 2.

2008-11-11T13:26:00.005-06:00

but i think we also have an even greater level of infinite possibilities, in the form of real life moments, by bringing the two worlds together.

theme nights? movie nights? game nights? service days? days or nights where we consent to engaging in the same activity IRL. think of the impact and unifying spirit of people all over the globe intentionally sharing in the same experience with one another AND those around them. no matter how seemingly small or insignificant the moment is. this is how the physical community is formed.

example: a movie night. start by utilizing the Kitchen to throw out an idea and organize an evening. on "such and such a day" we set up to watch the same movie in our own respective neck of the woods. and then we invite friends over. ("hey, want to come over and watch a movie tonight?") or aquaintences. or strangers. whether 1 or 100. let people bring what they wish, and simply use the "intentional" part of the gathering (watching a movie) as a springboard for social interaction. then let the spirit be free to produce something wonderful utilizing what has been brought together. by just gathering together to party by watching a movie, nothing more.

i have noticed that it doesn't matter if the others come under my roof with this same intentionality. when it is held firmly in MY heart, and they come freely under my roof, the air is thick with warmth, love, intimacy, sharing, and above all safety to be who you are in this moment, no questions asked. just loved. it changes people. it really does. me included.

then after said night, we can come together again in THIS place to share experiences, pictures, whatever... god orchestrated moments to encourage one another of our true citizenship in this human drama.

then the next time you have a party, invite the same people. invite new people if you wish. allow your other guests the freedom to invite other people they know who would love to come along. then the next time after that, you have a history built up and people start to get what you've got going on. maybe not all of the deep, heady, theological implications of what is going on. but enough of an instinctual understanding to recognize that the parties seem to be better when everyone brings a little something to share to enhance the gathering. and the more familiar people get with one another, the deeper the relationships and conversations become.

think of the further implications. if we organzied "service days", we could impact different sections of the whole world at once and not just be limited to our own locale. and the more people we find online, the bigger this thing can get and more world-wide-spread.

look at all the links to others' blogs on the side of your own blog. click one. then look at all of the links on their blog. click another of theirs. see how many more. do it again. and again. and again. until you're in a neighborhood you've never been in before. if you find someone, let them know. "hey, there's something cool going on you might be interested in."

this thing is HUGE. i'm not saying that everyone will feel this stir within them. but i am saying that enough will, that it is worth the engaging. it is worth the intentionality. i know more people than not are wanting to know how to impact this world in a genuine and tangible way. we've just been waiting for encouragement and organization. i believe the orchestrator has now provided us with both.

let's get it on.

abode: infinite possibilities part 1.

2008-11-11T02:35:00.007-06:00

(if you are willing to put in a little more time, this clip is an excellent appetizer. if you are able, see it with your new eyes, and hear it with your new ears.)

it started just after i quit being a GM and became a "just a driver." the store i transferred to, being run by one of my best friends, was in the suburb to the farthest eastern most point of the meto area. as such, in getting there from where i live, the point i get on the freeway means i have to cross 3 lanes of traffic in about one mile to reach the left exit to the next freeway which then brings me out to work. a mile is no problem except for the fact that when you're traveling at 65-70MPH it gives you less than a minute to do so. i HATE freeway driving. it is so fast paced and aggressive it completely goes against my inner nature. let's just say i'm not a fan.

now i know that the whole "parking spot" view of god is highly mocked. but when this became my morning routine, i noticed something interesting happening. every day when i got on the freeway, there was an opening at the exact moment i entered that enabled me to cross all lanes of traffic smoothly at the exact speed i was traveling. cool enough. but this has happened 99% of the days that i have worked at this store. for 3 years. you might still think this is some random interesting coincidence, but the more i think about it, the more it has baked my brain.

i mean, EVERY DAY. i realized that for this moment to occur every day, that all the things that happen to me that morning, sometimes even the night before, affect what time i reach that opening every morning. but there it is. at just the right time. every day.

over time the vision and understanding grew bigger and deeper. the guy who cut me off and drove slow in front of me on the ramp. stopping to mail something off for my mom that she forgot. the timing of the stoplights that i hit. EVERY CAR THAT IS ON THE FREEWAY AT THAT MOMENT AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO THEM THAT MORNING AND ON THEIR WAY TO WORK. did they argue with their spouse and leave a little late? did they take an extra 15 seconds at a stop sign to let someone else into traffic? ALL of these things, every day, coming together in this one seemingly insignificant moment. insignificant except for one thing.

i notice. every day i notice.

now... having said all of this, what does this have to do with WHAT NEXT?
this:
it has increased my faith a hundredfold. not that god does this every day, but that he is able to contain all these myriad of free choices and weave them together to accomplish this every day. let me restate that this way...

my faith does not rest on the fact that god DOES it every day, but rather the simple fact that god is ABLE to do it. that he can coordinate such things in the moment. which, yes, brings about a brand new paradigm of viewing the world through the lens of "what's happening now." rather than feeling like you need to strive to run around and find "what next" as though you might miss it, it is a simple engaging in the moment, as you said sue, and being open to/flowing in what god has orchestrated.

OK! so all of that to now say that i believe we have been orchestrated. every person here, every voice. every circumstance that has brought us here. every conversation had, and relationship formed, and every personality type, and every talent brought to play this symphony of life in this moment. every person a beautiful instrument finely tuned for just this time in the neverending story as it keeps on rolling along.

there was a brief period of time when i would invite people over for a party and then come "here" to talk about it. to remind myself, and everyone else, that this is the balance that i saw in the earliest gatherings in the book of acts. it seemed to me that these people viewed their newfround freedom and faith as something to celebrate! so they would get together every evening and party together. "breaking bread from house to house." because that's what people did then when they got together to party back then. and the parties were so sweet that they would go out the next morning. and as they went about their daily duties, they would tell people, "hey, we're getting together tonight at a friend's house for dinner. i would LOVE it if you would come!" then those people would come and experience for themselves. and come back again. and in coming back, bring their friends. and so on and so on, it GREW.

i think that we could do this same thing now, encouraging one another across the globe. i see the strange circumstances that brought us all to this place, and i see the potentialities now available to us in the Kitchen.

check it. in my mind's eye i see the Kicthen as a "hub." a centralized place of gathering in this (blog) world for people to share needs, hugs, encouragement, songs, tears, joy, laughter, whatever... a constant affirmation that we are a different people and that it is okay. it is who we are meant to be.

a place where people can also find others with whom they really connect with, and have their own relationships and discussions on various personal pages and "rooms." a place where people can be found, invited, welcomed, and "plugged in" in a reasonably simple fashion. (however they are comfortable doing this, NO EXPECTATIONS!!!)

to be continued...

for your perusal.

2008-11-10T09:40:00.002-06:00

here are the posts i have been able to whittle it down to. i'm trying hard to leave out ones i feel are somewhat extraneous, and not have too many here. because i actually would like you to read them and take them in if you're interested in the discussion. to give you a good idea of where my thoughts are at now, and how they got there, before i try to sort out a post of where i think we're at, and where i think we could head.

instead of titles, i'm going with dates.

August 10th, 2005
October 8th, 2005
December 19th, 2005
January 4th, 2006
Febrauary 28th, 2006
March 5th, 2006
April 8th, 2006
March 17th, 2007
July 12th, 2007
August 14th, 2007
June 17th, 2008
July 9th, 2008
July 17th, 2008
August 1st, 2008
August 6th, 2008
September 6th, 2008

who's with me?

2008-11-03T13:04:00.000-06:00

it seems strange to revisit it now. to go back and look at the scant outline of thoughts brewing for over 3 years. moreso, being brought to the front burner for over 4 months now. i guess i'm not sure what to say, or that if i DO find out what to say, the implications and responsibilities frighten me. but after reading heather's posts on the subject recently, and knowing i am not alone in being tapped about this, i think now is the time to overlook fears and simply dive off the cliff once again, not knowing where we will land. i apologize for not speaking more forthrightly or openly about this until now. forgive me my silence.

for so long i have wanted a practical faith. a faith that was more than simply an amalgamation of words memorized and beliefs defined by another. not saying there is anything inherently wrong with being taught by another. at some point however, i just wanted something mroe than that. something i could call my own. more than just in the sense of intellectual beliefs held from systematizing scriptures into doctrinal structures that we believe "should work" when followed "in just this manner." the problem with that is more often than not these structures didn't work. but to acknowledge that was to simply ask for guilt and emotional pain in being told that the problem lie with me and not the structure built from "god's inerrant and authoritative word". but that's all water under the bridge now. that time in my life is past.

in the present, i find myself as a part of another group of people who love to talk. and that's wonderful. don't get me wrong, i love the transparency, vulnerability, openness, love, grace, and acceptance i find in this place, and that we share with one another as we hash out long held questions and crises of faith. in fact i believe it is good for us to talk about these things. but i don't want to be a part of another group that is all talk. the desire in my heart is to be part of a group whose faith continues to move outward into the world in practical ways.

i think it is extrememly signifigant that through whatever set of circumstances brought us here, we have now found each other. if it is just coincidence, it is one amazing set of coincidences that has brought us together. we live in an age where man can now talk openly all over the world and understand one another again. overriding the curse in genesis placed on humans at the tower of babel. according to the story, the curse was placed on humans because of what they were trying to accomplish. and when humans can completely communicate with each other, "nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them." (gen.11:6)

i think we can now take advantage of this. i think we can do something about the crisis of paradigm in the world in which we live. i believe we can work together to begin to reach out to our world in global ways unprecedented in all of human history up until now. i not only believe it is possible, i believe it is why i am here.

i honestly don't know where this ends but it feels right to me. as if this is what i was created for. it is strange and frightening not knowing where i am going. only seeing one step at a time. and some days/weeks/months/years just sitting at a red light, waiting for it to change to green. (thanks, happy.)

i know i'm not alone in this. i know i am not the only one the spirit is speaking these things to. and i think now, finally, it is time to begin speaking of such things and bringing our puzzle pieces we have been given together. our small loaves and fishes, if you will.

i have no idea where this is going to lead, because it is not me who's putting it together. if this doesn't resonate with you, or you haven't felt god's spirit moving these things in you, then this isn't for you. don't feel bad about it. but if you HAVE felt these stirrings in your spirit, sometimes for years, and are just now feeling them grow stronger, are still confused about it like me, but feel it has something to do with the people you've met online in the past few years, let's start the conversation. let's start trying to "put the pieces together" and find out where to go from here, together, with the spirit at the forefront.

i'm not exactly sure what has begun, but i'm committed to what's begun. as far as god wills it, and desires for me to be with you, you can count on me. i'm in it all the way.

who's with me?

nursing

2008-11-02T10:14:00.003-06:00

"The bonding of mother and child is a miraculous outpouring of unobstructed love channeled through the mortal coil. Nursing is the physical bond of nourishment. Mother is the first meal, the key to life. Bio-electromagnetic and psycho-spiritual bonds bring mother and child together."

have you seen these before?

2008-10-30T07:40:00.002-05:00

finally. children's music i can stand. you can even listen to samples for each album. very cool. check it out.

i found this outside of my apartment this morning. beautiful.

2008-10-28T14:53:00.003-05:00

for any who are inteested in this sort of thing, there is also a tiny zaavanco. update.

spiritual truths from unexpected sources

2008-10-27T12:31:00.002-05:00

first off, this is not meant to induce nostalgia or make you say "i remember that!" as with so many other posts where i pull out some golden oldies. this is different.

i'm going through the weekly house cleaning routine. rowyn is following me around undoing most of what i've done. but we're listening to madonna's "immaculate collection", so it's all good, you know? we're singing and dancing and playing in between chores and having a good ol' time. then we sit down for lunch. as we're sitting there eating together, "papa don't preach" comes on. (i already have an interesting history with this song, as it was one of the first moments where the spirit manifested itself to me outside of a church service and left me wondering, what the hell are you doing bearing witness to kelly osbourne singing a madonna cover at the VMAs?)

but this time, some things came into focus for me about the story of this song and WHY god would want it out there and even bear witness to it. it is the story of a young teen girl who has, presumably, fallen into the exact kind of situation her father has warned her about getting into. what's interesting is that the only real character in the song is the girl. she is the only one giving narative. she's the only one we actually know anything about. but from what she says, we can glean a lot about this situation.

first off, although she HAS gone out and done something she knows her father didn't want her to do, instead of trying to lie about it, or keep it to herself, when she knows she's in over her head, she goes straight back to her father and offers him the truth. she tells him everything. what a right picture of our relationship with THE father. when we fuck up, instead of running away, he wants us to come to him and tell him about it. not so he can beat us up or heap on the guilt, but so he can help. and this is what she is doing. we don't get her father's response, but it makes me wonder...

what would the father's response be? if we view this as a picture of how god is with us when we fail, how would you expect or hope this fictional father would be? would he accept with loving arms and offer help? will he instead rage and belittle? will he offer help? will he be able to overlook what she has done in this single limited instance, and recognize the greater things at work in his daughter? such as the fact that not only did she come straight to daddy when she needed help, but that she has also decided that she wants to have her baby instead of aborting it or giving it away. you would HOPE that seeing how, even when making mistakes, his daughter is level-headed and concerned about doing right, would make a father proud.

but sometimes we can be self-righteous pricks about stuff, you know? how would i respond to my daughter if she offered such a vulnerable and honest heart cry to me?

that voice

2008-10-23T09:33:00.004-05:00

tami had just dropped by to visit for a spell. then we started talking. just as a natural matter of course, since sh had arrived so quickly from across town, we started talking about driving & safety. tami revealed that she never used to wear her seatbelt until one night, as a young teen, she was riding in a pick-up truck with another friend who was driving. a voice nudged her inside and said "put on your seatbelt". she did. less than a minute later, they crashed into a tree and the airbags didn't deploy. unless for that voice she would certainly have gone through the windshield and almost certainly died.

tami then revealed how that voice doesn't come often but it does come every once in a while and when it does she always obeys. and as a result of her obedience she has avoided terrible disaters on a few occasions. which then lead to my wife and i also revealing that we have had similar experiences with that voice. first off, that we have both experienced that voice, but also that when obeyed it has helped us to avoid something unpleasant.

the conversation was so open and vulnerable but yet amazing. i was tempted to record some of it for posting here. (how weird is that?) in the end, i figured it would be best to just let things play out naturally and relate the tale later. it seemed so strange that it would be something we all had experienced but had just never talked about before. btw, tami is by no means a christian, was never raised in the church, and doesn't really believe in any of it. yet apparently, she obeys that voice that voice each time it speaks to her.

so, since the three of us that night had had similar experiences, i bring the question to you... have you heard that voice? that voice that just cuts through the rest of the bullshit voices in a moment. not often, not all the time, but once in a while just cuts right to the heart of something or offers advice or help in a situation you may not even know is coming?

do you obey or just shake it off as being a crazy thought? or both depending on the day? what is YOUR experience with that voice?

a retrospective of parties

2008-10-17T08:33:00.023-05:00

you know, i recognize this is a lot of pictures. and if you don't want to look at them, don't feel obligated. but i thought it would be nice to give a look back at many of the parties that have taken place that i haven't shared. since we started this, it has been one insane non-stop roller coaster. we have had good times and bad and MANY roadblocks. one of the most of which was my falling out with the IC. it damaged my faith in several ways and it really shouldn't have. but it did. and for a long time i was not as intentional about this as i think i should be. but what's done is done.

it is a very strange thing to invite people to your home for congregation and enjoyment. especially when several of the people have never met each other. but i have found that when the spirit is right, it doesn't matter. the place becomes filled with all of the fruits of the spirit as a natural matter of course. not ALWAYS, but often enough to make you go "hmmm... that's odd. these people are not normally like this." it is interesting to simply bring people here and when gathered together, witness the spirit work things out in them. or have them spill their most intimate secrets to be met with love and acceptance. or find a new friend. or any number of positive things. i know this fills a specific need within the younger post-christian generation of people who will NEVER set foot in a church outside of a the random holiday when begged by a parent. i still don't understand it very well, or if it is going to gel into something more in the future than what it is now, but i'm going to let god worry about that now. i'm just going to do what i know he wants me to do and that's invite people over and play games as a springboard for social interaction. but i have noticed, more recently, that when those hwo have met before gather, the games are needed less and the evening is filled more with direct conversation and interaction. which, to me, is good. and a sign that these young folks are growing.

now i bring this to you, my dear brothers and sisters to look upon and ask for your support. it is a hard going out here and at the very least we could really use your prayers. whatever gets laid on your heart. people, healing, space issues, wisdom, guidance, and courage. all of the above. that was one thing my IC leadership couldn't understand. i wasn't asking for permission or criticism to do this. i was simply alerting them to the fact that i had been genuinely SENT. i can't explain it shortly any better than that. i have been sent and i need to be at my post. and this is what my post is. so please, please pray for us. it will be much appreciated.

i hope you enjoy seeing some of the faces that have gathered together over the past 2.5 years.

for your contemplation

2008-10-13T08:38:00.002-05:00

"...greet no one on the way."

did you know this was one of the instructions that jesus gave his disciples when he sent them out? what do you think about that?

you're completely right, erin.

2008-10-13T08:31:00.002-05:00

i HAVE had severe music on the brain lately. i don't know why, but i've been getting very nostalgic as of late for music from my youth. to "reconnect" with that time period of my life since music is the only thing i have left from that time period to connect with.

and, especially, i have been thinking about the form of music i was the most into in junior high. namely "glam metal" or "hair metal." i've simply been feeling things out, but now i'm coming to you all with a bonafide request. i deliver pizza for a living and i get to listen to LOTS and LOTS of music as loud as i want as i drive around. so i make myself many cd's for multiple listenings and enjoyment.

my newest project i have swirling around in my head is a series i call "glam chowder." and i need the names/songs of as many glam bands as you can think of! i don't want to miss anyone. so even the obscure bands like "enuff znuff" and "trixter" are welcome and wanted here. i don't want to miss anyone. let me know as many as you can think of, please. it's all appreciated!!!!!

thank you in advance for your help with this project.

we now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

2008-10-13T07:34:00.010-05:00

this is in response to the question i posed a couple of months ago: WHAT NOW?! and since, it is a question i have heard echoed in several places.

most or many of you who come here on a moderately regular basis may not know this, but this blog was originally started to keep people up to date with the goings on of the things in my physical realm, as they pertain to what it is i feel god has for me to do. even the address of this blog reflects it. "somethingelsejtp" the J.T.P. actually stands for "join the party." at the time, i was just beginning to recognize the truth that tony campolo pointed out in his book of the same name "the kingdom of god is a party." this party is happening, all the time, in the here and now. and we're all of part of it, if we would only recognize.

i didn't know what else to do, but god kept reassuring me that this was the direction he wanted me to go, so we just began inviting people over for games and enjoyment and community. as this began to grow, my faith continued to grow as the moments were many that just, i don't know, helped me to believe. to believe that what i was doing was signifigant albeit completely different than what i had been taught. and in many ways, downright "blasphemous" and "heretical" against the mothership. (organized church)

for the next several months after, however, began a process in which the leadership of my CLB began to continually chip away and break me down. it was so hard. fighting near daily with the voices in my head screaming at me to "get back in line!" and "stop this foolishness that will lead you and all these people to hell!" but i couldn't stop. i was compelled. and it was growing. then came the time when the leadership's words began to cut, and cut deep. they actually began to cut the cords of my faith. in the end, after they had completely beat me and bruised me and crushed my faith, they left me for dead in an alley and have never come back since. which is good. but it left me with a lot of rehab and spiritual therapy that needed to happen before i could go on.

finally, i feel like i can do that. we have been having people over about once a month since. this is not to belittle that at all. but i think it's time to be a little more intentional about it again. to believe that what goes on here fulfills a need that just isn't being met for a great percentage of young people in a traditional church setting. and don't let me mislead you here. what happens here is not "house church" as so many would understand it. we don't have a "song time" or a "sermon time" or pre-planned discussions of a particular chapter of the bible or topic. we just invite people, they come, and we enjoy each other, whatever happens. we utilize games as a springboard for social interation and allow people to be themselves, whoever they are right now.

we are typically a motley bunch. but i love the fact that at one point or another, uproarious laughter generally happens. we DO have music going constantly, and there have been times where people have been moved to sing songs that play as a group. (i'll never forget the night that we all stopped what we were doing and sang "fuck her gently" by tenacious D. it was moving.) we have food and snacks. everyone generally brings a little something to throw in. and that's not to mention, that naturally, as a matter of course, god, and these young folks thoughts on god and the world, generally come up and get discussed.

which, if i'm not mistaking, has all the elements of a "classic church service." just not in any way that you would recognize it unless you were looking with inward eyes and not outward judgements. but even then, that's not what it's about. that's not my goal, nor do i feel like it should be. whenever i feel like i should be gearing up to "make this a church," things began to dim. they grow brighter when i say, "fuck it. the only thing i have been instructed to do is invite people over and party with them." because that's the truth. i couldn't believe it when i got my orders from the general, but this is where i've been stationed. and i should be at my post.

so, with full permission from guests to post these pictures, here is the night we had saturday. (i actually passed the camera around so we could record everyone's perspective) just a few people this time. one who has been around since the beginning, tami, and her boyfriend jake, and their good friend mandy. we played star wars monopoly for the first time in like a decade. and it was a very strange game like none other i have played before. the negotiations were much more complex than any i have witnessed before in said game. in fact, i captured one deal on film below, in which you see jake and erin embroiled in negotiations that lasted near 15 minutes. at the end of the deal, erin agreed to trade jake the last property he needed for a monopoly in exchange for (get this): cash, immunity from rent when she landed on that one space, and 50% of the proceeds from the other players who landed on the space. damn. now THAT'S negotiating! (there are a couple of pictures where i left the shutter open and you can see jake looking from erin, to his stuff, and back again. very cool.)

continue to think/pray about us. who knows where this is going, but it's about damn time we start heading that way again.

for shits and giggles

2008-09-29T10:44:00.005-05:00

still having a toddler, who is still into everything, makes it tough to find the time for serious posting. hence the youtube fetish recently. which is not going to end today. but instead of music or heady film i decided to drop in a few of my favorite things for your viewing pleasure. i have been a stand-up comedy fanatic for over 20 years now. here is just a small sampling of my favorites. obviously there is more than a single visit's worth of watching here, but you'll have time to come back, if you so desire, before i move on. i'm taking the better part of the next two weeks off from my own blog to do mucho familia engagements as well as work. hopefully you find something to brighten your day and make you spit all over you screen! (extra points if you fall off your chair)

Brian Regan

Louis CK

Flight Of The Conchords

Rahab's Kitchen

2008-09-26T09:33:00.003-05:00

i'm not too sure what to say about this as i'm curious what it is going to grow into. but there is a new space, Rahab's Kitchen. i see it as the potential of a great gathering of people in n out just stopping by to say hello, vent over frustrating days and talk about more "real life" stuff than our regular religious deconstruction and theologizing. and that's for us veterans.

i also see the potential of a place of rest and healing and gentle encouragement for those young in their deconstruction. and perhaps we can help them to come out with fewer scars than those of us who did not have such a space in our early days.

but whatever it is to become, it will not be complete until YOU come over. so join us for a spell, won't you? it is open invite. you can come. anyone you want to invite can come. and if you have anything you would like to share, or would like to be made a permanent contributor, just let me know. then i'll have to figure out how to do something like that...

much love

i'm sorry, i just couldn't help myself.

2008-09-26T09:15:00.004-05:00

honestly, other than the mellow morning CD's i play for the kids during our morning routine, i have been listening to nothing else all week. it has produced the strangest reaction in me. pure and utter excitement. for some reason, i want to drive down the street, album blaring, honking my horn and shouting, "they're back! they're really back! kill the fattened calf, our prodigals have returned home!"

i know metallica has been making albums slowly for the past 20 years, but none of them has even come close to measuring up to why i LOVED this band when i was in junior high and high school. they were the first genuine metal band(i.e. NOT "hair metal") that i heard and i fell in love instantly. their album ...and justice for all is one of my top 10 of all time. it came out in 1988. i have been waiting for a follow-up since then. it is finally here. and so i just had to share something. anything. so i thought i'd go with this one as i'm sure more than a couple of you out there could relate.

believe it or not, this is the second shortest song on the album.

BROKEN, BEAT, AND SCARRED

You Rise You Fall
You're Down Then You Rise Again
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
You Rise You Fall
You're Down Then You Rise Again
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
Rise Fall Down Rise Again
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
Rise Fall Down Rise Again
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
Through Black Days
Through Black Nights
Through Pitch Black Insides

Breaking Your Teeth On The Hard Life Coming
Show Your Scars
Cutting Your Feet On the Hard Earth Running
Show Your Scars
Breaking Your Life
Broken, Beat & Scarred
We Die Hard

The Dawn The Death
The Fight to the Final Breath
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
The Dawn The Death
The Fight to the Final Breath
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
Dawn Death Fight Final Breath
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
Dawn Death Fight Final Breath
What Don’t Kill You Will Make You More Strong
They Scratched Me
They Scraped Me
They Cut and Rape Me

Breaking Your Teeth On The Hard Life Coming
Show Your Scars
Cutting Your Feet On the Hard Earth Running
Show Your Scars
Breaking Your Life
Broken, Beat & Scarred
We Die Hard

Breaking Your Teeth On The Hard Life Coming
Show Your Scars
Cutting Your Feet On the Hard Earth Running
Show Your Scars
Bleeding Your Life In A Hard Luck Story
Show Your Scars
Spilling Your Blood In the Hot Sun's Glory
Show Your Scars

Breaking Your Life
Broken, Beat & Scarred
We Die Hard

hi.

2008-09-23T00:35:00.003-05:00

this is me. this is what i look like when i take a picture of myself blogging and listening to metallica's new album. the kids are in bed. the wife is engrossed is one of her favorite movies. the store i work for is closed. this is how it is most days for me when i enter this space. i am pure bliss. often mrs. peres will tap me and ask me what i'm giggling about as i'm typing furiously, completely oblivious to the fact i'm doing it.

so i might rant, and i might rave, and i might shout for joy, or scream with frustrated rage. i might make light of the holy and praise the profane. but if you can handle it, then know that no matter what you share, it's all good from here. Always. you don't ever need to worry about "where is jON's heart at?" i know you're good people and i trust you. share whatever you feel without apology here. you've more than earned my trust and respect.

much love.

it's good. really fucking good.

2008-09-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

can i get an amen? holla!

2008-09-18T00:30:00.003-05:00

this one's for the sistas

from mrs. peres

hands down the best existential rant about american politics i've ever heard given in only two minutes

2008-09-17T07:32:00.005-05:00

ultimately this is the clip from waking life that i wanted to share. i just got distracted because when i went looking for it i realized they had the whole movie on youtube cut up into the various scenes, so i shared a couple of other faves along the way. i'm not sure if you've ever seen the film, but it is one of my favorites. very revolutionary at the time, it was shot entirely on digital film and then each frame was "painted over" so that it looks like living animation. each scene has a different theme and feel to it. plus it gives greater freedom for interesting things to happen. (i.e. someone is talking and their mouth starts sliding to the left or their eyes shift around their face or something just wanders through the background that wasn't in the original shot.)

this movie is well worth the viewing if you think watching people talk about existential philosophy is fun. i do. the movie isn't about politics as much as it is about our concepts of reality and the way in which we conduct our lives as human beings on a daily basis. and of course, politics happens to be one of the ways in which we conduct our daily business so it gets touched on.

if you're sick of american politics, if you think the debates between the two sides are silly because it is the whole system that is flawed and not just the party in charge, then this rant is for you. enjoy.

waking life - ants

2008-09-15T21:36:00.001-05:00

waking life - the aging paradox

2008-09-15T02:25:00.002-05:00

greater things than these: the post

2008-09-06T11:35:00.006-05:00

it was a little fuzzy at first. but then, it started coming in a little clearer. able to feed a crowd with naught but a few fish and some bread. able to heal an entire village in a single afternoon. able to cast out the dark demons that hold people prisoner. able to be whisked away from a place in the blink of an eye. able to raise a person from the dead.

this is the picture i got about a week ago. it suddenly clicked into place. and then it made me wonder, why doesn't this happen more frequently? why do we not live as heroes? not to blame us, or induce guilt with this age old question, but... is our faith really so weak?

for those true skeptics among us, who question the authenticity of the supernatural occurances and have a preference for more "natural" explanations, that is not the bent of this post. i have already heard true account, witnessed, and experienced too much true supernatural occurance to believe those explanations. if you have not, i am sorry. but your non-experience does not counteract my experience in this case. so i am starting from the place that these occurances happened in real time and space and were recorded for us faithfully and accurately.

my grandfather had a moment once, when my mother was still a child living at home, when they were very poor, and people strangely kept showing up at the home asking to share in their meal. all they had was one small bowl of noodles for their own family, but as each person came, they offered what they had and after something ridiculous like 13 people who "just happened" to stop by, the bowl was still not empty. true story. this happened in real time and space.

my father was planning suicide at age 18. he was driving his car towards a tree on the outskirts of the small town he lived in. the last thing he remembers seeing is the speedometer buried at 120 and closing his eyes seconds before impact only to open them and find himself in the middle of town at a red light. true story. this happened in real time and space.

from what i gather, according to the biblical accounts, we should be able to provide for a person's health. to keep them alive. food and healing. we should have mastery over the elements, or at the very least, water. walking on it. stopping it from falling from the sky. turning it into wine. this is just a short list, but when grouped together, i get a very different picture of those who "walk in the spirit" on a moment to moment basis from what has classically been taught.

where is the disconnect? what happened between then and now? jesus said that among this small list of things he did, we would also be able to do. but he also said that we would be able to do even greater things than these, because he was going to the father. well, he's now with the father. and i think, the question he put forth by jesus, "...when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?” resounds even more heavily today than it did back then.

recently, lorena commented at towards truth "Unfortunately, what Jesus supposedly did, his followers can't reproduce..." how true that statement is. but i don't think it is because it can't be done. i just think we don't know how. we haven't practiced. we don't have the faith. and real faith can make things that are not reality, reality. need an everyday example? take walking up the stairs in the dark. when you lose count, can't see that you're already on top, and take another step that is full of faith and expectation that there is another step, you take a step and slam your foot down on the floor in a manner that you cannot reproduce naturally. try it. no matter how many times you try to convince yourself there is a step and recreate the sensation, you can't do it because you don't truly believe. you don't have faith.

but at the same time, how are we to have faith? how can we believe in something we've never seen? i think it's fair to say we've never seen anyone walk on water. or feed and heal a village. so how do we have faith enough to accomplish these things? can we call them "abilities"? how do we have faith in these abilities, or "gifts", if we have no mentors or training grounds?

i mean, even if you've ever had the inkling twitch in you, no matter how small, to try to heal someone, have you ever actually given it a shot and walked up to someone in a wheel chair, grabbed their hand, pulled and said, "walk!" ? and did this with FULL CONFIDENCE AND EXPECTATION that it would happen? because i think that's the key element. especially for the big things. that's why, in my opinion, jesus clears the room before he raises the little girl from the dead. he needed the doubt out of the room so it could be filled with faith doing its work.

so what are the practical applications? where are the teachers and mentors? where are the training grounds? what are the "greater things than these" that were promised? how does this fit together with who we are? how does one discover these abilities and grow in them? and how does it affect you as you learn?

is anyone willing to be vulnerable and share experiences or say that they, at the very least, think they may have an ability so we might begin discussion towards a practical fulfillment? because i know i have abilities. and i would like to talk about it, with the hope of coming towards an understanding of practical application.

in the sun

2008-09-03T22:26:00.003-05:00

this is another song from my "epitaph." in terms of the story, i have been completely demoralized, confused, emotionally and spiritually beaten and abused, betrayed, bewildered... you name, i was in it deep. the darkest time of my life. that's where act I ends.

this is the first song on the 2nd CD. the beginning of act II. i hope you enjoy yet another song. i don't know about you, but if it catches me in the right mood, it makes me cry for obvious reasons. this one just hits too close to home. but in a good, healthy, and restorative way. to have a voice to hold me in that moment and offer comfort.

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

and another

2008-09-02T21:06:00.000-05:00

greater things than these: the ad

2008-09-01T09:26:00.003-05:00

post coming soon...

another shot of nostalgic joy

2008-09-01T09:25:00.000-05:00

the church of what's happening now

2008-08-29T08:05:00.004-05:00

since we discussed sia, it brought to mind one of my very favoritest songs in the whole big world. this is one of those songs that i hear and i wonder, "where did you get this information?" this song, more than any other, captures the exact essence and meaning of grace. as far as i'm concerned this is the greatest worship song ever written. and as far as i know, sia is not a christian by any means. it is a song i came by early in my deconstruction and it has brought me much comfort and strength. it helps me to recenter myself. i have even included it on the autobiographical 2 cd set that i have made to be played at my funeral. i really hope you enjoy this as much as i do.

(i completely apologize for the irrelevant video. please ignore it while listening. if i knew of a site that just did songs i could embed, i would use it.)

I want to change, to rearrange
What is going on
I need to change, I need to play
Like a five year old

I can't detach from the past and all of the pain
I need to learn, start from scratch begin again

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

So I'm going to eat one hundred sweets
I don't care if I get fat
And I'm going to speak one I won't censor me
I know I can take nothing back

And I'm going to jump I will unburden
I cannot go too deep
I will not run from bad things I've done
They're things I'll try not to repeat

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

Welcome to
The church of what's happening now
Head straight through
It costs nothing but change

Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day
Throw away yesterday
Today is a brand new day

waitress

2008-08-27T03:46:00.003-05:00

come on baby leave some change behind
she was a bitch, but I don't care
she brought our food out on time
and wore a funky barrette in her hair

come on baby leave some change behind
she was a bitch but good enough
to leave some change,
everybody's good enough for some change

the girl's got family
she needs cash to buy aspirin for her pain,
everybody's good enough for some change
SOME FUCKING CHANGE!!!

come on baby leave some change behind
she was a bitch, but I don't care
she brought our food out on time
and wore a funky barrette in her hair

come on baby leave some change behind
she was a bitch but good enough
to leave some change,
everybody's good enough for some change

we all get the flu,
we all get aids
we've got to stick together after all,
everybody's good enough for some change,
SOME FUCKING CHANGE!!!

just because it feels so good to dance from the waist up and sing with headphones on

2008-08-27T03:19:00.001-05:00

waiting for my real life to begin

2008-08-24T19:42:00.000-05:00

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

do we still believe?

2008-08-15T09:07:00.005-05:00

do we still have our hope? that jesus is coming back? that one day god is going to put this right? or has that been pushed back into the realm of wishful thinking? a nice idea, but something rational and logical people can't get tied up in. that would be silly.

it has been on my heart to share this song for a long time. it seems like such a strange place to find these sentiments. it seems like such a strange thing for a man such as this to be calling for the kingdom. to be pleading for it. and praying for it. do we join in the prayers? are we more interested in seeing the kingdom manifested in all of its glory now? to just drop all of this human bullshit we call the "real world" and walk away? to "see it all go down?" would it bring us joy? as if the consummation of our desires? or would we disappointed that it has disrupted our schedules?

the thing that is so striking to me about this song is just how much it sounds like biblical prophecy. very OT as well as revelation. (rev 18 to be exact) but more than that, when i am very honest, how it echos the desires of my heart. please god, just flush it all away. i don't need to go to work one more day or pay one more bill or watch one more movie or listen to one more song or play one more game or drive one more mile or eat one more hamburger or smoke one more joint. not here anyway. if these things exist in any form in the next life, i would rather participate in them there. this world is a huge dead end and long ago it was rightly noted "all is futile. a striving after the wind."

what are we doing this for? do we even know where we're headed? do we overwork ourselves and damage our families for any purpose? do we really love these golden chains that much? are we working towards a device that can do it all? play music for me while i call someone and do my taxes and jerk me off at the same time? all the while the size of a postage stamp? and even if we do finally invent a machine that can do it all, what then?

i'm getting off course, now. i apologize.

i just don't need it. any of it. if i had a place to go, if i had an alternative, i would be there. but this time. this time. i think we may have run too far to get home. this time, when it goes down, i don't think anything in our own power can save us. which is why i'm waiting for everything to be put right. and doing what i can to live my life in moment to moment protest of the dominant paradigm, and freeing as many others minds as i can before it is too late.

(tool are big fans of strange and sometimes disturbing imagery. if you are not a fan of those things, you may wish to simply focus on the lyrics printed below while listening. i understand the song is lengthy, but i think it is well worth your time.)

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

Silly shit, stupid shit...

One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.

Learn to swim.

Mom's gonna fix it all soon.
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be.

Learn to swim.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.

Learn to swim.

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.

I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.

roots.

2008-08-10T09:22:00.016-05:00

i have always been fascinated by thinking about the far reaching effects of the choices that people make. often i have marveled at how different things would look in our culture if we had never used slaves. apart from probably dying out early on, i wonder if we would have things like rap music. it is in this vein of thinking that these things came into focus for me. the far reaching effects of choices made, which, when added up, became something that no one at the time could have ever conceived.

if i knew more about spanish politics around 1492, i'm sure i could trace back causes further, but since columbus is so well known, i figure its as good a place to start as any.

columbus came and brought european politics with him. rather than recognize what was already happening in the land, they ignored the autonomy of the people already here, and claimed it for themselves. it is this contact that lead to further contact by other countries, namely england, who sent the first colonists over.

rather than trying to learn from the natives how to live in this "new" land, the colonists and european governments sought to subjegate and destroy them. ignoring the fact that we were the visitors and the land could not be "claimed" because it already had inhabitants. instead of trying to coexist in a symbiotic harmony with the land and begin a new story, we decided to bring the old story with us and try to recreate england here. (which seems stupid to me since it was england we were trying to escape. but that's another story.) as a result of not humbling ourselves and learning how to live here, we were almost wiped out. so when the first slave ships came, we were, unfortunately, all but too eager to justify taking that sort of "help."

which of course lead to harsh treatment of the slaves to keep them in line, adding to the pain and suffering already endured.

but this invariably lead to a style of music known as the "black" or "slave spiritual." songs of suffering coupled with a hope of deliverance. songs that tackled "dark" subject matter with unflinching honesty.

skip a couple of hundred years and this music morphed itself into what we would call the delta blues. i make mention of this man here, robert johnson, because he probably had more influence on future rock guitarists than any other. as legend would have it, he made a deal with the devil at the crossroads in order to be the best blues guitar player in the world.

it was right around this time, across the globe, that a man named adolf hitler rose to power in germany. there were several other factors that lead to what was titled "world war 2", but for our purposes here, hitler is the dominant figure.

as a result of hitler's leadership, germany attacked england. and one town, in specific, that was heavily bombed was birmingham, england. a steel town. a metal town.

the assault left the town in rubble, and left the people, eventually, to rebuild. of course, the war eventually ended, which brought about a surgence of newborn children often called "the baby boom." it is this generation of children who took the music that was begun in the blues, electrified it, and made it into the nefarious "rock n roll."

one morning, in a steel mill in birmingham, england, a young man by the name of tony iommi became permanently injured. on his last day of work (he was already quitting) he was kindly filling in for a friend on a machine he had never worked before. less than a half hour from the end of his shift, something went awry and the tips of two of his fingers on his fretboard hand were cut off. amazingly, he did not give up on his dream. his fashioned prosthetic tips for his fingers himself in order to keep playing. which invariably lead to him tuning down his guitar about a step and a half in order to make the strings looser and easier to play.

which lead to the droning, thick, booming sound that is contained within this record. written by young men playing music that was born out of misery, suffering, and pain. in a town that had been filled with misery, suffering, and pain. by a man who had endured misery, suffering, and pain to continue his art. all of this "dark" subject matter became reflected in this music and gave birth to something which, even then, they could not conceive of what it has become today. a music of catharsis for the misery, suffering, and pain in the world.

what now?: you've got to put one foot in front of the other (another comment gone horribly, horribly awry)

2008-08-06T01:31:00.012-05:00

nate! it's so damn good to see you! in honor, let's celebrate revenge of the nerds style. i've brought rumaki, cheesepuffs, wonderjoints, liquid heat, and of course, lots of beer. there's even whipped cream pies for dessert. "that's my pie..." enjoy!

i know god will show us, individually, what he has for each one of us. which is why i ask these questions. i'm wondering, truly, what kind of an impact this world here has on our "real" lives. speaking freely here, and thinking freely like this during the day, has changed the things that come out of my mouth. i find myself becoming more bold all the time. doesn't matter who i'm talking to. clerks, friends, family, coworkers... i find myself speaking forth my inner dialogue much more freely, and engaging in some great conversation that you would never expect.

like my existential rant i went on the other day, around the prep table, about money. i even tore some paper off the wall for effect. and we shared a moment of acknowledgement of similarities not commonly shared. it was a deepening moment, in my opinion, and i was glad we had it. things like this don't happen very often in the "real" world, but they happen more commonly the more i speak in "real" life in the same fashion i do here.

that's one effect.

it has been hard finding time to be online to fit my family's changing rhythms. (not that anyone else here has had that struggle.) but i think we've finally found an understanding that what i am a part of is signifigant enough for me to be allowed times set aside for it that work for the familial infra-structure. working out boundaries and being honest with one another helped us to grow in our conlifct resolution by leaps and bounds. i know it's made me a better dad and husband...

all because of what goes on here. i just take a step back sometimes and look at us and i am amazed. sometimes it's juts fun to marvel at how i have no idea where this is going to lead. truly, i do my best to be as passive towards the spirit as possible. when she wants to make use, i try to be available. so often times i truly AM an observer as i look at my mouth and go "did you just say that?"

(for some reason this scene is what came to mind and was the inspiration for what became this post. i think, as a metaphor, there is some wisdom in it for us. if we can hear it. if you don't, don't worry about it. it's not for you.)

what now?

2008-08-01T09:12:00.003-05:00

"Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've gotta go
forwards to go back. Better press on."

(please recognize that these are simply my own questions that i need to flesh out. i hope that none of the questions here make anyone feel like you need to be wrestling with these same things if you aren't. it's just what's on my heart right now. and so i bring the questions to you, my community, to throw in your two cents if you have any to spare.)

i've been getting around a lot lately. peeking into our history as a group and trying to chronicle events and perspectives that brought us all together. it's interesting so far. but even in this early stage of research, seeing where we are and how we got here, i'm left with a fairly large question. "WHAT NOW?!"

what is the next step, the next evolution for us? is there to be one? is this simply a place for honest conversation and relationship, or are the implications greater? there is something so healing about this "space". it is certainly a place, a where although it has no where. and i think about how i got here. about how most of us got here. and i think i agree with willie on this. even if i wanted to go backwards, i know i couldn't. i just have to keep following this road wherever it leads. and, if for a season, this road has converged with people who have found each other for healing, and acceptance, and free group therapy of the highest order, then wonderful. i want you to know i'm all for it and i am a fan. a group of friends who are always there no matter what time of day or night, is a pretty good group of friends to have.

but sometimes i think about how fragile this all is. and interestingly enough, tonight's incident with my page really drives it home. a flick of a switch on a server at blogger headquarters and all of this shit goes away.

and i think that one day it will. so i wonder, now, while i am here and i am lucky enough to be with you wonderful and intelligent people, what now? now that my wounds are mostly healed, i'm ready for practical application of all of these things we've spoken about. i want to know what it looks like in the streets and not just on digital paper.

i think it's all well and good to be able to identify the things about church that really bothered me or where i feel "they" are "off." but what do i have that's better? an ability to identify their faults? in a singular sense, i understand the differences between myself now and myself a few years ago super-churchified (now with more christ!) as the standard example of a mainstream poster christian. but what do i have, what do we have, as a group, that makes for better authentic community? is this it? just the time spent here? or should we be moving towards something physical as well to couple with the things we learn here, across the globe, together? we certainly have the capabilities and possibilities. but to what end?

WHAT NOW?

i'm not sure where this road is going to end. but it's been one hell of a story so far...

how come THEY get to have all the fun?

2008-07-30T02:24:00.003-05:00

2008-07-25T09:19:00.002-05:00

this isn't a hiatus, really. i just don't have a lot to say at the moment. these couple of posts i do have rumbling around need more time to bake. mainly right now i'm trying to process the past few years, and all the conversations had, and people met, and theories expounded, and experiences had. cataloguing you might say. instead, blogwise, i only feel inspired to do 2 things. post little bits like songs or scenes or anything really from people who share some thoughts that have resonated deeply within me on a spiritual level. the other is to read people's blogs from the beginning for fun and study. so be warned, one day soon i may be knocking on the doors of your history. answer if you desire. i will still be around, in and out so to speak. so i'll either see you around here or there. hopefully i'll have a genuine new post within a month or so.

i am shameless

2008-07-23T23:10:00.004-05:00

be right back

2008-07-20T10:08:00.003-05:00

i will be gone for a couple of days. erin and i finally get a chance to get away for 2 whole nights in a row! we are going to be staying here, so needless to say, we're pretty excited. have fun while we're gone, help yourselves to anything in the fridge.

a time such as this

2008-07-17T08:42:00.003-05:00

it hit me the other day. it has been skirting around the outer edges of my brain for some time now, and i have made mention of it, not understanding the full implications. and maybe there aren't any implications. i can be open to that as well. but still... i don't want to ignore something so signifigant that is staring me in the face either.

one verse that stuck out right away once i began reading the bible over again as a free man was this: Gen11:6"The LORD said, 'Behold, they are one people, and they all have the same language. And this is what they began to do, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them.'"

it stuck out to me for 2 reasons.
1. - it would seem as though there was a time when "nothing was impossible" for humans. a time when "infinite possiblities" reigned.
2. - it would also seem that this ability to "do anything" is based on choice, but more than that, the combination of choices. i.e. the more people who purpose in themselves to join to a course of action, the greater the ability to bring it to pass.

now the important part.

according to the narrative told in genesis, god confused the language of mankind into various languages in order to keep that from happening. perhaps we were not advanced enough as a species to be able to handle taht kind of awesome responsibility. i don't know. i'm not going to speculate. (i'm not even going to speculate on whether or not this is a "true story")

the significant thing for me that clicked in my head a few days ago is that we have finally reached a point in our development as a world in which this curse has been overcome. we have now come to a point where we, as a world community of humans, are now able to communicate fully with one another again.

i think, if we so chose, we could finally change the world. the implications are outrageous. but first we have this problem of "the carrot." we have trained people for generations to work for money and not for altruistic reasons or the betterment of humanity in general. i believe we could house and clothe and feed the world if we so chose to coordinate our efforts as a global society. i believe we could offer people better alternatives in regards to living communities and social norms. i believe we could do away with paradigm basics like time and money and come up with something else...

but in order to do this, we would need to be willing to put in the hard work. we would need to be willing to "lay this world down", like a "thing", and simply walk away from it.

yet, what would our world be? i have so many thoughts on this... have we gone a generation too far to make any real use of this awesome responsibility and power now in our laps? are we now so hopelessly addicted to this paradigm of "stuff and convenience" that we have completely lost the ability to do for ourselves?

are we really trapped inside of this paradigm? or are we trapped inside of our own greed, laziness, and complacency?

wow

2008-07-16T08:44:00.001-05:00

have you ever heard him speak before?

2008-07-14T02:40:00.001-05:00

an open comment to a fellow survivor.

2008-07-14T02:18:00.006-05:00

girl, i am right there with you again and again and again. how long does it take? i'm not sure having never gone through something like this before. perhaps i never will get over it. perhaps i was really mamed far worse than i know because the damage wasn't visible. and perhaps that's all for the best. because i really felt like a lump of raw meat completely ground into the pavement.

so the fact that i'm "walking" again at all is a miracle. even with a limp... ;-)

i believe you joined us right towards the end of my darkest days. i wanted to die. i really did. never before had i ever gotten to the place where i really said, "okay god, if you want to take me, go ahead. i'm done." but i was just so miserable i didn't want it to go on.

i'm glad i've put in the hard work of recovery instead. i think it's just hard to realize you need not bow to that idol in your mind anymore. when it's so ingrained in who you are as an identity, and then find out that what you had built, you had built on sand and everything got washed away... it strikes doubly deep.

to be told we are disappointing to the people we wanted to be proud of us most is a problem that pervades all areas of life and relationships. yet, that is the very heart of the problem. because, in truth, it's not their thoughts that matter.

at least in my experience.

all i've ever tried to be for you is someone to go through it with. when it happened to me, i was for the most part, completely alone and very frightened. i think all of us who have had this experience were. i just happened to see that you were going through the same thing as me. only about a few months behind. so i could look and say, "i've been there before! i was just there!"

i didn't have any voices like that other than holy spirit. which is not a bad voice to have. don't get me wrong, it's THE voice, i'm just saying, that i didn't have anyone around me to confirm my questions of whether or not i was indeed hearing from god.

so i do my best to assuage your fears and let you know you're on the right road. or at least one that will lead to wherever two people like us end up! hopefully there's more like us out there and there's a special place prepared for all of us. a place where we'll be together forever and won't be a nuisance to anyone else ever again.

that would be fucking sweet.

i bet ac/dc would be there. nine inch nails. linkin park. tool. queen. jimi hendrix. the beatles. george carlin. just to name a scant few. wherever these folks are headed, if we indeed are headed anywhere after death to be grouped together by like kind, then i know that i am going to be wherever they are. because i know we are the same on a heart level. we all share a common something that defines us. that intangible something that drove us. that bound us. that brought us to this place. wherever that may be...

heart exercises

2008-07-09T08:52:00.002-05:00

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

in a desire to see things move from the cerebral to the actual, i propose to you something that was proposed to me by the spirit about 2 years ago. i call them "heart exercises." you may find them useful, you may not. but, at the very least, i think they are worth giving a whirl.

i had been agonizing over having a faith that, when followed, made me into a grade A asshole. very much an "us&them" style of faith, which of course had its results in the way i looked at and treated other people. i'm not proud, it just is what it is. one day, however, as my beliefs about the cross changed and i began to see it as something much more wide open and accepting, god spoke to my heart, unexpectedly, in line at the grocery store.

"if you truly believe that my son's blood is for everyone, and that all are now brothers and sisters at this moment, though some unaware, then i want you to focus all of your energy on the person in front of you. first break through the invisible wall that you place in your mind to keep others out. really notice that person standing here with you in this place in real time and space and realize there is no wall between you. next, i want you to allow your heart to experience what it would experience if this was your brother or sister or a really good friend that you had not seen for awhile. then, when experienced, hold that person in your heart and imagine how you would speak to them, if they were indeed a long lost someone. would there be burgeoning excitement? perhaps hugs? smiles? a brightness to your eyes? an excitement that might be hard to contain? try it."

i did, and i found myself surprised at how quickly my heart was able to open up and make room for this "stranger." as i began to practice this more and more and found myself able to open my heart easily and fil with warmth and love for someone i never met, essentially removing my fear of someone i didn't know, the spirit then asked me to open my mouth. not to that person, but when my heart was filled with that openness and acceptance and love, to then turn that towards the cashier and strike up a conversation about anything but with this emotive and spiritual force behind it. it was literally amazing to hear the things that would come out of my mouth naturally and the smiles that these people would offer up as someone reahced across the fake lines of treating them as slaves, or even worse, machines, or worse still, invisible. to recognize them as human and give them a little human interaction.

the final step in these preliminary exercises was to then, while standing in line, tear down my wall entirely and begin to fell with my heart and spirit the entirety of the store and realize there are no walls between aisles, we're all together in a wide open room with shelving, but really, this is a place filled with many humans who need and deserve the same kind of love and acceptance. and then, to hold everyone in the building in my heart in the same fashion.

as a result, i have learned how to look anyone in the eye without fear and connect with them at a heart level. from the shyest person to the "hardest-pipe-hitting-brother" i have been able to learn how to cut through people's masks and see them where they live inside.

if this at all sounds interesting to you, i would be interested to hear of your experiences if you give it a shot. remember, step one requires nothing of you but an open heart. no words, no encounters, no pressure. just an open heart waiting to be found.

2008-07-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

"This cosmic portrait is flanked by the skull/fetus that represents our embeddedness in linear time. The central Being, formed by infinite energy lines, exists outside of temporal reality. The Skull/Fetus' bracketing the "eternal one" indicates the impermanence of life. Confronted by the constraints of transience, every instant offers the capacity to realize our everlasting essence."

rote rewind: it's happened before

2008-07-02T08:08:00.005-05:00

"Not everyone believes what you do Morpheus."
"My beliefs do not require them to..."

here's something i found just a few hours after finishing my last post. i will post what i have here although the language can be a little strange to read if you are not used to it, considering he speaks in very long sentances translated in older english. i trust you are able to follow...

"When they [the heretics] are refuted out of the Scriptures they betake them to accusing the Scriptures themselves as if there were something amiss with them and they carried not authority, because the Scriptures, they say, contain diverse utterances, and the truth cannot be found in them by those that know not the traidition. For that, they say, has been handed down not by means of writings but by means of the living voice; wherefore Paul also said:'Howbeit we speak wisdom among the perfect: yet a wisdom not of this world.' And this wisdom each one of them claims to be that which he has found by himself, that is, a thing invented...

Yet when we appeal again to the tradition which is derived from the Apostles, and which is safeguarded in the churches through the successions of presbyters, they then are adversaries of tradition, claiming to be wiser not only than the presbyters but even than the Apostles, and to have discovered the truth undefiled... Thus it comes about that they now agree neither with the Scriptures nor with tradition... Such, beloved, are our adversaries in this conflict, men after the fashion of slippery snakes, seeking to escape every way..." - Irenaeus, from Adversus Haereses, c. 180AD

this is a good example of old theology and discussion. irenaeus is obviously of the othodox and "apostolic tradition." when looking for opposing viewpoints of old, you generally only find them in writings such as these which spell out the problems that the church fathers had with any particular group of people for going against tradition. you get a small glimpse of what the heretics believed, but not without shading and personal commentary.

however, it looks to me as if BOTH traditions have a long heritage. and the things we are finding now are nothing new. just things that refuse to die. irenaeus goes on to spell out the correctives for this and why it is important to pay heed to those men who have been appointed to position. he also speaks of those who have "unauthorised gatherings" outside of the offical church gatherings and how they should be stopped immediately... obviously i am caught up in a tension that has been going on for well over 1828 years. hmmm....

enjoy!

2008-07-01T01:30:00.006-05:00

7 dirty words

stuff

soft language

common experiences

the american dream

pussy farts

abode denoument. enter:the religion of rote

2008-06-25T08:24:00.012-05:00

"We have survived by hiding from them, by running from them. But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them."

to me it looks like this. bible verse + bible verse + bible verse = doctrine. i understand that this is an oversimplification and that there was much debate that went into many of the doctrines that now exist. but that was in the past. NOW we have these formulas. and we are told the formulas are true and that they work. the case is closed, it was decided by godly men, and we need to continue the tradition.

as has been stated by me before in other places in other ways, my problem with these "mathmatical-take-it-on-faith-doctrines" is that there is no room for personal faith. there is no ability to exercise choice. which makes our faith life little more than a puppet. which makes me wonder just what i am needed for if it has already been figured out for me and i simply need to believe it all. living within this type of tradition, i often wondered why we bother giving people bibles at all or encourage people to read them. why not simply hand out a book of doctrines? because when one is subjected to them long enough, you don't even read the bible when you read the bible. all you see are the doctrines that passage has been used to create. the bible doesn't even speak for itself anymore. it has nothing new or fresh to say to us because anything it has to say has been figured out, right?

did you know that there has hardly ever been a time of unanimity within the church? as far back as Acts15:37-39 there have been disagreements within the church. sharp disagreements. the doctrines and traditions we have had handed down to us are simply the majority view, not the unanimous view. HUGE difference. if you study church history you find that many issues of debate were only settled by a council of leadership calling the issue settled, and banishing or killing the dissenters and burning their writings and findings. just because augustine lived a long time ago does not mean he was right about everything he had to say. yeah. i said it. augustine is nothing, god is everything. whatever he said and did in his life is good for him back then. some of it may even be good for now, but that doesn't mean that it can't be opened up and reexamined. its okay to dissect the things he said and decide for yourself whether or not you agree. he's dead. it's not going to bruise his ego. the same goes for the myriad of men who are authors, architects, and pawns in this tradition.

time would fail me if i fleshed out all the examples of "heresy" that have come down the line and were resultantly stamped out by those who "know best." i just don't like a world like that. i prefer to hear all sides and make my own choice, rather than having some appointed human deciding what is appropriate for me or not. how would they know what's appropriate for me or not? how would they know what god wants from me or the things god wants me to do or the places god wants me to go? hasn't the veil been torn in two? can i not hear directly from the god myself?

abode cuatropointone

2008-06-17T10:46:00.004-05:00

“What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?”
“No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

disclaimer: lots of rambling to follow...

something has happened to living by faith. to living by the spirit. it has been replaced with living by a code of conduct and beliefs. i understand why this code has come into place. people in places of seeming responsibility were looking for ways to keep people from sinking below a certain line as pertains their conduct. it is certainly useful for that, and i believe that can be a good thing. but there comes a time, it seems, in the lives of some, when the doctrines and belief structures are no longer holding them up, but rather holding them down & in. which, i do not believe is the intention, but it has happened and does happen nonetheless.

yet, i don't think that discarding all classical knowledge or structures is necessarily the answer. i think i needed that kind of structure to grow inside until the time was right. but there seems to be a certain type of stagnation that comes from our classical forms of church structure where the church leadership are the ones who "hear from god" and pass it on to you, the sheep. true growth towards self-controlseems elusive. learning how to "hear the spirit" on a moment to moment basis is not generally an emphasis, and if it is, it can be a little on the side of "this seems more crazy than genuine." more of a show for the sake of the show rather than a way to heal the world. and in either tradition, the layperson is left knowing that their faith is truly not their own and that they need to run their beliefs through the filter of doctrine for whatever their tradition is in order to be deemed acceptable.

which is fine, i guess. i'm not trying to say good, bad, right, or wrong... what i'm trying to say is that it does not end up being the faith that i see the earliest people involving themselves in. jews OR christians. the lives of the apostles seemed to be rooted in the "now." and they didn't run around talking to people outside their faith tradition saying things like "the bible says..." in order to convince them. they had real-life real-time examples of the life lived by the spirit and the accompanying power. which, now that i think about it, is truly my problem with traditional structures and forms of church and religious education. they are devoid of power. they are rooted in the past, about things god has done a long time ago. things that you need to believe in faith and somehow, magically, this faith will radically transform you into the kind of person that leadership says god wants you to be.

once again, that's all well and good for what it is. some people might really need that. but it didn't work for me. i can't tell you the numerous hours i spent worrying, wondering what was wrong with me. allowing "job's comforters" and some real-life "jON's comforters" to shred my inner being and confidence because the proclaimed boundaries and proscribed behaviors didn't produce the promised holiness and perfection and devout and disciplined life that they said they would.

and in the end, it simply turns out that what works for someone else does not necessarily work for everyone.

can i give you a scripture to proclaim this in true evangelical fashion? not one singular one, no. not even a doctrinal structure. i can simply point towards examples of the kind of life of which i'm speaking. the life where nothing else matters in light of the cross and we are free to follow the god anywhere she would ask us to go at any time without worrying whether or not a misstep will cause us to lose our "salvation". more often than not, this is simply a sick and twisted means of control. because at the end of the day, scripture doesn't say that we must obey it or even believe it in order to be saved. it simply says that we believe in jesus. and even then, that's not the only way that it says we may live...not according to jesus anyway.

and that is what i desire. life. it seems so strange that there are so many of us who at one time were the ones at the forefront of our respective "bodies" begging god for more of himself, asking god continually, sometimes for years, to lead us deeper, to give us more of himself, and to use us more, found ourselves in situations where we were at odds with the human leadership that was "in charge" or "our" church. painfully, violently, and suddenly we were outside and left nursing our wounds and wondering, "what just happened?" all over the globe, this scenario has played itself out in a myriad of different ways. yet, at the heart, it was always the same. for some reason, we needed to get out.

i believe god wanted us to get out. to get us to a place where we could hear and obey him and him alone. because no disrespect to human leadership in churches and the task set before them, but often times their teachings can cause one to disobey god because we have been told that god is "always this" and "never that." that god "doesn't ask people to do things like that." and on and on.

how often i feel like peter meditating on the roof and being given a vision. a vision and a command which horrifies my religious self. but the command comes all the same, and the rebuke at my religious horror comes with it as well. "don't call anything impure which god has made clean." it flies in the face of everything i have ever been taught. it flies in the face of everything i have been trying so hard to suppress and "deny myself" for so long. to find, at the end of it all that god is asking me to now go against all of those good and "godly" teachings... it leaves one a little punch-drunk.

what am i saying here? i'm not really sure. just talking out loud i guess. not really trying to convince anyone of anything. perhaps just trying to spark dialogue or find direction for what i really want to say. i don't know.

but i do know that something is vitally missing in what is called the "christian life." how different things would be if we were living with spiritual confidence and power. to be able to heal or feed a villiage or say "this is what the spirit says" and not be full of shit.

how does one find that? and how does one communicate that it has been found so that it can be recognized by those who say it can not and should not happen? and is this anything that can be reproduced by following steps? or is it up to the master to call whomever he will, as he will, when he will?

this just in!

2008-06-10T22:41:00.001-05:00

abode quatro

2008-06-07T10:03:00.002-05:00

"Afraid?" Horkin interrupted the torment. "We'll see who's afraid, by Luni."
"When you are in my presence," said Raistlin coldly, "you will refer to the goddess Lunitari with the respect she is due-"
"Listen to me, Red," Horkin said, jabbing his finger in Raistlin's thin chest. "Ican refer to the goddess any damn way I feel like. If I call her Luni it's because I have the right to call her Luni. Many's the night we've sat drinking together beneath the stars, passing the bottle, she and I. I wear her sybol over my heart. And I wear her emblem around my neck. Luni, the darling, gave me this with her own fair hands. I have seen her, I have talked to her." The elder mage glared up at Raistlin, into him, through him.
"I may not wear her symbol, but I wear her color, which, as you have astutely noted, is red. And she has spoken to me, as well."
Horkin looked closely at Raistlin, and perhaps the elder mage was thinking almost the very same thoughts as the younger.
"Lunitari herself has spoken to you? This you swear?"
"Yes," said Raistlin calmly. "By the red moon, I swear."

the startling thing is not so much coming across one who is filled with knowledge about the god, but rather coming across another one to whom the god has spoken.

post coming soon...

do not remove under penalty of law

2008-06-02T12:40:00.002-05:00

so, i've got 3 tags to take care of first off. i thought about participating in barry's church manifeso, but nate said what i was going to. namely, i don't think church should have rules, other than the 2 universals. love god, and treat others how you want to be treated. enough said.

umm, let's see. i received a subversive blogger award and i was supposed to write a post about it and then link back to the original. not sure how i'm supposed to maintain subversive and anarchistic credibility by organizing and conforming in such a way...;-) since the hour on that is so late, i don't think i shall post and link back. instead i'll just say thank you for thinking of me. subverting the dominant paradigm is nothing new or special, just one more way of being like jesus...

6 word meme

(for any who missed, the point of this is to write a six word title to my memoir...)

so here we go.

it's fucking painful to obey god

and last but not least...10 random things that make me happy (not turning me into our beloved friend at a fundamental shift, i'm assuming, but rather making me feel warm and fuzzy inside....)

1. - being a smart ass! :-)
2. - listening to really agressive metal like slipknot, marilyn manson, or slayer while delivering
3. - blogging with people who behave themselves
4. - getting together with friends to play games
5. - a crock pot full of nacho cheese
6. - getting to go to Hooters with my wife
7. - playing video games during naptime
8. - sharing a moment with my wife in which we completely understand one another
9. - hearing my children laugh
10. - helping a young person have an "aha!" moment

so there you have it. now that my loose ends are tied up, we will return shortly to our regularly scheduled heresy...

who are the people in your neighborhood?

2008-05-06T00:47:00.002-05:00

apples to apples

2008-05-06T00:47:00.001-05:00

make sure you keep checking the milk....

2008-04-11T09:56:00.003-05:00

well, i'm off. i feel moved to put down my blogging for a month, so i have posted a month's worth of questions. feel free to chat about them and even revisit them as you see fit. i can hear myself talk anytime. hearing others' perspectives helps me grow.

i've also posted everything from my past in chonological order for anyone interested in history. i am also planning an art gallery forthcoming. i hope you guys have fun. help yourselves to anything you wish. bring anything you like. don't forget, there are games in the closet if you get bored with discussion. enjoy yourselves. be back soon. much love. jON

what role does the bible play in your life?

2008-04-09T03:24:00.001-05:00

what is the 'word of the lord'?

2008-04-09T03:23:00.002-05:00

what is sexual immorality? and what is adultery?

2008-04-09T03:23:00.001-05:00

what is sin?

2008-04-09T03:22:00.000-05:00

what is 'freedom in christ'?

2008-04-05T09:54:00.003-05:00

should we be worshipping jesus?

2008-03-29T02:08:00.000-05:00

does the bible say anywhere that we MUST express our faith in christ by becoming members of the christian religion?

2008-03-20T00:10:00.004-05:00

chronicles / the story thus far...

2008-03-19T23:30:00.002-05:00

August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
exfoliations is dead
something else...
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008

the dilemma

2008-03-19T11:14:00.003-05:00

Lunitari's laughter danced through Raistlin, exhilarating, disturbing. "You do not understand. And if you could foresee what will be asked of you in the future, you would run from this place and never come back. Still, we have watched you and we have been impressed with you. We grant your request on one condition. Remember always that you have seen us and spoken to us. Never deny your faith in us, or we will deny you."

abode cubed

2008-03-10T13:58:00.003-05:00

"A party? Yes, girl. It will be a party such as the world of Krynn has not seen since before the Cataclysm! Be ready, Tika Waylan. Be ready!"

something jumped out at me in galatians one day. not the radical freedom. that's something else... (that jumped out at me a different time.) for our discussion here, this has to do with gal. 2:11-14. what's important about this story for us is not whether paul was right or peter was wrong. what is important to me here is that post-resurrection, post-pentecost, post-conversion of saul, we see THAT ONE OF THE APOSTLES WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING. of course, since paul is the one telling us of the event, he paints himself as the hero. and as i said, it matters little to me for this discussion, which one was wrong or right. but it is, to me, a very big deal to know that through it all, the apostles were not perfect.

which makes me wonder if there was anything else they were not perfect about? is it possible that some of the things they had to say came out of their own experience and limited understanding and were not god desperately trying to communicate a message of law for all people for all time? when jesus said that holy spirit would guide us into all truth, could this perhaps have been a bigger process than even the apostles knew?

because as i read their letters, i get the sense that they are simply sharing out of their own wealth of experience from god. but as they write, you can certainly tell that their own experiences and personalities color what is being shared. for example, paul is one who LOVES to use extreme language. he frequently uses words like, "all" or "never." and i'm sure he was using them to drive home a point much like many of us do when we use similar language, even though it may not be the whole truth. "i'm starving" and "i LOVE this television show" being two examples off the top of my head.

yet, because we have been given and taught the assumption that the apostles were "orthodox perfection" and that their letters are "god speaking to us" we do not take his extreme language into account. we form our theologies and doctrines off of something so grandiose and inflexible, that many times being in institutions founded on precisely this type of thinking, you find yourself cold, empty, and devoid of the real power of a life lived experiencing god first-hand.

as i believe these men did.

one of my big problems, and one the leadership didn't know what to do with, is not that i haven't studied, but rather the opposite. i HAVE studied. too much. i've heard the theories. i've read the books. i've debated the doctrines. i've fought for being right and trying to put to shame all who oppose for the sake of "god's glory" never seeing the irony. until one day...

god simply cracked open my world and began to show me the truth about what it means for me to be a follower of his. and it is a much more wide-open freedom based thing than i could have ever imagined. at least, that has been my experience. to learn, to grow, to mess up, these things are all a part of it. and as i began to see this through my own experience, i began to see it also through the eyes of men and women thousands of years ago who had similar experiences. i began to see through the cracks to the people just doing the best they knew with what knowledge they had. did they receive revelation? to be sure. but did they receive a new law? hmmm.... i am much less convinced of that notion any longer.

i believe WE ARE ALL priests and now have equal access to god. and instead of hearing over and over again what a pastor believes, or what some other men hundreds and thousands of years ago believed, i want to know what I believe. i want to know what god wants from me now, today, in this specific moment in history. and while i can read these accounts and relating experiences, and in many cases find them to be the only ones who can relate to god reaching into their lives and asking such wild and unpredictable and unpopular things from them, i don't think those things in and of themselves are what god wants from us today.

for example, i have heard ezk. 3:17-21 used by many as the reason they feel the need to get in people's faces about their "eternal destiny." they assume that if they don't use their best tricks (guilt, manipulation, fear mongering...) to try to get that person "saved" then god will "send them to hell" as well as the other person. i maintain this is a faulty understanding of grace, first and foremost, but also the bible and what it actually is. strange that people feel so convicted over this word from god to ezekiel, but they don't get too twisted up or feel obligated to "lay on their sides and cook their food over cow dung." why is one directive for everyone for all time, and the other for ezekiel specifically? really, there is no reason. it is arbitrary.

but once we can get ahold of the fact that nothing in the bible, in the original context, is a "message for me", then and only then do i feel that the spirit can really break through in your life. the bible can be used to show you things and teach you things as the spirit directs, but it is not, in my mind, a list of imperatives for each individual to try to clone themselves after.

this leads to me needing to know what god wants from me specifically, and needing to understand the difference between "abiding by the law" and "abiding by the spirit."

damn it. i'm going to need another post to finish this up. this is enough for now. at least we got down 4 more lines...

abode part deux

2008-03-02T14:36:00.008-06:00

"Listen to me, Raistlin. The magic will not solve your problems. It will only add to them. The magic will not make people like you. It will increase their distrust. The magic will not ease your pain. It will twist and burn inside you until sometimes you think that even death would be preferable."

what i have found, in my own experience, is that when a person encounters the living god, she asks for some pretty crazy things that can be hard to understand. or even believe that it is indeed her speaking. for example -

acts 10:9-15 tells us the story of peter and an encounter he had with god through a vision that completely negated previous instructions of the written, "scriptural", variety. (lev. 11:3-8)

likewise we also read the story of samson in the book of judges. many of us already know the story of samson and delilah. but it is not often pointed out that we are told in judges 14:4 that, "...it was of the LORD, for He was seeking an occasion against the Philistines..." completely negating his own decree in deut. 7:3

he asked ezekiel to lay on his side for 430 days and "lay siege" to a model of jerusalem. as well as cook his food during this time over human shit. ezekiel said that was a little much for him, so god said it was ok to use cow shit instead.

he asked hosea to marry a prostitue who would be completely faithless to him and rip his heart out and embarass him over and over and over and over.

point being, god asks ridiculous things of his most intimate followers. mostly, i believe, because they are actually listening and willing to respond with obedience. none of these things were done because any of these men "read about them in scripture." so how did they know? what did god's servants do before there was a bible?

nate has spoken on this subject at length elsewhere. so i won't overlap too much.

because what i'm really talking about here, if we can all recall, is how my views of the bible have changed and why i don't believe in doctrines anymore. in my opinion and experience, the bible is not to be believed because it is god dictating our behaviors to us or laying down some sort of an inflexible law by which we must live in order to be saved. and i don't think the bible is to be believed because it has wonderful logical arguments for showing others how wrong they or their belief systems are. i know this is the majority evangelical view, and one i used to hold, but no longer.

i believe the bible because it is a continuious story of lives changed. people who had radical encounters with a "divine other being" and the resulting events surrounding such encounters. period. end of story. which leaves much more room for learning how to "hear" god through the studying of the encounters of others. which is a much different thing from thinking that if we "imitate" these people, and their specific actions based on specific requests god made of them, that we will too somehow have an experience of god.

i believe the pharisees used to use this same type of approach. and jesus said to them, based on this approach, "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life..." note that what jesus is saying here, in plain language, is that the scriptures ARE NOT WHAT GIVES US LIFE. in fact he follows up this statement directly by saying, "...it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life." "coming to jesus" gives us life. because jesus gives us access to the great "divine other being". it is not reading a book and thinking that obeying this book is what we need to do in order to please the "divine other being". that approach, in my opinion, is a lie served up by men for whom that lie benefits them. i.e. putting them in places of authority that they love, leaving people under their care dependant on their interpretations of the bible. and leaving the sheep devoid of the knowledge that they can hear directly from god themselves. not needing a human mediator.

(for extra fun, the very next statement that jesus makes in this passage is, "I do not receive glory from men." how does THAT fit in with what goes on in most evangelical churches every week?)

well, we're about 7 more lines down in my notes, and again, this is enough for now. looks like we will need one more post to complete this thought. but let's see where this conversation goes first...

for shiggles

2008-03-02T13:46:00.002-06:00

ready to set sail again.

2008-02-25T11:50:00.004-06:00

for those who have been around, you know that around this time every spring, i end up boarding the dawn treader and trying to put into action all the things i have learned over the winter. the call is coming a little sooner this year than usual, but it is there all the same, and i can't deny it. so, i have a couple of loose cyber-ends to tie up, and then i will be setting sail.

expect part 2 of my views on scripture and how and why they have changed very soon. of course, this post is in no way trying to stop conversation on the previous post, of which there is new discussion. just wanted to let you all know what was brewing in my heart.

welcome to my abode

2008-02-10T16:16:00.000-06:00

"This is no trap, Huma. We are as much the foes of the Dragonqueen as you are. Let past differences remain where they are - in the past."

come in, come in. make yourselves comfortable. thank you for coming.

in the past, i held several beliefs about the bible. then, one day, i noticed that many of the beliefs i held about the bible didn't actually come from the bible. which can be fine, but when these beliefs are held within a framework that only likes to believe things from the bible...well...holding beliefs that DON'T come from the bible can be sketchy. especially when people are lead to believe that their beliefs DO come from the bible. even when they don't.

for example, the bible never uses the word authoritative about itself. it never uses the word infallible about itself. they are NON-SCRIPTURAL beliefs about scripture. which is fine with me, but very strange considering the evangelical world and its stance on scripture. that it is authoritative, infallible, and the "word of god" are the basis of all of their beliefs about scripture. it creates a strange circular not-quite-logic that implodes in my head and i can't quite understand it anymore.

on only one occasion is any part of the bible spoken of as the "word of god." and this comes from jesus, speaking of one of the ten commandments. matt. 15:6. the rest of the instances in which the phrase "word of god" is used it is used to speak of this very intangible experience of a living word coming upon a person and the person speaking forth in an immediate real time situation. not writing down something for everyone for all time. and, interestingly enough, when jesus does speak of the scriptures (the ones they had and recognized as such), he attributes them to moses, not god. matt. 8:4,19:7-8, mark 1:44,10:3-5,12:26, luke 5:14,16:29-31,24:44... just to name a few.

yet, not only did i hold non-scriptural beliefs about scripture, i also ignored many things that it DID say in favor of a tidy system of beliefs. all the while, discarding or simply not noticing the statements that didn't fit. for example, there are three scriptures that come to mind right off the bat that are currently making me reevaluate just who god is and how he acts towards us. one of my eveangelical beliefs basically reiterated john's statement that "God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." which i think is true. but there are other statements made that shade that belief forcing me to change my preconceived notion of what it means.

first, there is the story of Job. god consorting with satan. satan seemingly being free to come and go from heaven as he chooses. god turning satan's attention towards Job. Job enduring such trials in order for god to win a bet with someone he isn't even supposed to like. and the real capper, for me, is this verse at the end. Job 42:11, "...they comforted and consoled him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him." what?! the lord brought evil on someone?

I sam. 16:14-16 talks of an "evil spirit from the lord" terrorizing saul. and in Is. 45:7, god speaks for himself and reveals something about himself to us, "The One forming light and creating DARKNESS, causing well-being and creating CALAMITY; I am the LORD who does ALL these." (emphasis mine)
i'm not saying i fully understand what is going on here, i am simply pointing out that these things are in the bible and they force me to reevaluate my beliefs. i can't hold things in a neat evangelical doctrinal structure. they simply don't address these things. and as i would like to continue growing, i need to grapple with these things. yet as i tried, i found myself unwelcome to grapple with them among my brothers and sisters within the walls of the "church" building.

another scripture that baked my noodle and has me reevaluating is Is. 7:14-16. we are generally familiar with verse 14 which prophecys that jesus will be born of a virgin and he will be called immanuel. yet the passage goes on further to tell us that there will be a time when this same boy, immanuel, will not know enough to choose the good and reject the bad. so does that mean that jesus wasn't sinless? or does it mean that we don't really know what sin is?

it is scriptures such as this that keep me from making statements of finality and definitiveness. because they throw in monkey-wrenches that force me to be intellectually honest and say, "i'm not sure what it all means. but this is where i am right now. and, of course, i'm still studying..." which is why when i hear evangelicals uses phrases like, "scripture tells us" it just gets my ire up. i apologize for that, as it is one of the only things, but it makes me feel as if there can be no discussion when the verdict is already in. unfortunately, the verdict, for me, simply hasn't considered all of the evidence. and i fear the verdict is incorrect at worst, or incomplete at best.

for example, lesley, when i spoke of god being "in all" you came back by quoting acts 19:2 and then telling me that "It would appear from scripture..." all the while ignoring the fact that i had also quoted from scripture (eph 4:6) to say what i had said. it is something i do not fully understand, but i also know that in spite of the evangelical belief that salvation is something to be "received" or "gotten", the bible does also make statments in joel 2:28-32 (acts 2:17) and jer. 31:31-34 (heb. 8:10-13) that force me personally to reevaluate this belief, finding it to not present a complete picture.

and what of the evangelical belief that god is something we have to bring with us to other cultures? after all, didn't paul say this in rom. 10:14? but we also have a more complete picture that is largely ignored in which the bible speaks of god being at work already in other cultures, apart from the bible or "christian belief."
there is melchizedek, who we don't know how he got his knowledge. or who his people are and how they came by this knowledge.
and of course, there is Job who was not from the tribe of israel and may even predate them.
balaam is a man not of israel who still not only worships the true god, but is also a prophet of the true god. to whom was balaam speaking? to whom was his message? and where did he come by his beliefs?
god calls nebuchadnezzar "My servant" in jer. 27:6.
the wise men are lead to jesus and his family by reading the stars. (matt.2:1-2) and they are warned not to return to herod by a dream sent from god. (matt.2:12) in both instances, they are lead true and they have the ability to hear and understand. as well as have faith in what they are hearing. where did they come by these unconventional means that guide them truly?
and when peter is sent to cornelius and his household, peter finds him, a non-jew, as a man who already knows and serves the true god, cornelius just doesn't know about jesus yet. (acts10:2)

time is getting away from me, and i have only covered about 8 lines of my notes that i have been gathering for my post. so we'll consider this to be part 1. there is a lot here and it may take some time to digest. so, i'll stop for now. thanks for stopping by.

to think it all began with "weird al".......... (an autobiography in album format)

2008-02-05T03:01:00.001-06:00

2008-02-04T02:35:00.000-06:00

read this for the first time in almost 2 years tonight. it's good to see where we've come from. to see it in more perspective now. because now i have a history post-deconstruction. as the immediate pain has faded i can now see myself in the midst of a story. a piece of a greater whole. and that whole is beautiful.

new blog

2008-02-03T11:15:00.000-06:00

here is a new blog started to highlight some of my grandfather's bible studies.

interview

2008-01-27T10:51:00.000-06:00

i have an interview on wednesday @ 6.

we need to move!

2008-01-17T23:09:00.001-06:00

get your prayer caps on, brothers and sisters because this traveling freakshow is moving! lord willing, that is.

we here at something else... and zaavanco. are running out of space! this family has grown too big and this community has grown too big. please join us in asking for more space so that we may continue to grow. if we could get a house, we would love it. but where? city? country? choices, choices...

seems as though you better ask for some wisdom to come with the new housing.

much love.

reconciliation.

2008-01-15T11:42:00.000-06:00

after nearly a year and a half, i finally received the answer i have been wanting. it was just before my father's funeral. i was sitting alone in the front of the sanctuary, watching the slideshow of pictures we had made, listening to the piano music, and taking some time to myself. when finally, as i sat there with tears welling up in my eyes, the answer fell so clearly it was as if the answer had always been there. i just needed the scales to fall off in order to see it.

i went through the ordeal i went through so that i would have more "street cred" with the goths and satanic metal-heads i have been sent to. i now have a tale of "church-rejection" on par, and in most cases, surpassing anything they have been through. i mean, an honest to goodness special congregational meeting called just to make everyone aware that i am dangerous and not to be associated with? you can't buy that kind of press! and after sharing that story, these young folks are far more willing to talk about their rejection and their true feelings about god and their life in him.

once all of this snapped into focus, which actually took about 2 seconds in real time, i finally felt my heart unlock with forgiveness. although i still have questions as to why god would close these brothers' ears and eyes to what he is doing in and through me, i will not get the answer to those questions. i am simply grateful he gave me the answer he did.

the next day, just before he left, trent walked into the kitchen where i was alone and said nothing. he simply gave me a hug and i felt the spiritual slate being wiped clean inside of me. i do not know if he felt the same thing, because we didn't speak, yet i am glad and thankful it finally happened all the same.

it's strange what you take for granted.

2008-01-12T00:51:00.001-06:00

it was a couple of days ago. wednesday, i believe. i was just feeling down for some reason and thinking about my dad. something felt like it was missing, and i couldn't figure it out.

it may be hard for you to understand, but my father was a truly peculiar man, historically speaking. very few men with his level of intimacy with god walk the earth. that's what made his preaching so spectacular and different. not just his ability to step aside and let the spirit say what it would say to the church, but also because when he spoke, he spoke not as a man speaking about something he studied. he spoke as a man sharing something that he had experienced. and this thing that he experienced would always make a huge smile cross his face and his voice swell to room filling proportions until somehow, his thoughts and words would drift back to the kingdom and our future and what a glorious treasure awaits us there and he would shout with joy.

preaching like that is awfully hard to come by. no one is going to learn that statement more than my mother who will now have to find another pastor for the first time in 46 years. my father's preaching was such that the first time erin heard him 12 years ago, before she ever came to "know god", she was so impressed with what he shared that she still remembers to this day what he spoke about. i'm sure many of you couldn't recall all of the points from your pastor's sermon last week...

and i sat under the same preaching for 18 years. and it was something i sorely took for granted when i had it.

but that's not what this post is about.

the sermon my father preached on that day was, "the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." and as i thought about this i realized what was missing. my father's prayers. i could actually feel their covering presence in my life now absent. which lets me know all the more that we need to pray for each other. so i want to share some needs in my life, and i would encourage you to share your needs here as well so we can lift each other up. i know i could sure use all the prayer i can get.

-erin and i need wisdom as we contemplate a new place to live. we are quickly becoming too big for our little apartment and could sure use some space to spread out! and of course, if we actually had a home, our gatherings could grow exponentially like a bala shark moving from a fishbowl to an aquarium. financing is also a concern, but somehow god always works those things out for us.

-should i go back to school?

-what track are we going to send zaavan on? he is old enough to begin kindergarten next fall.

much love to you all, thank you for your constant support and love of the peres family. we really, really appreciate it. you guys are swell.

and lastly, there has been an awful lot of tagging going on and, since i am rarely picked for such games, i do the same thing now as i have always done. play my own game. this feb. 29th, i am planning to post about how i became a blogger and my formative experiences in the realm of blogging as well as how my perspective of it has changed over the past couple of years. i would also LOVE to hear your stories on the same subject. but i smoke way too much to go around tagging people. leave you healthy folk to all that runnin' mess. if you would like to participate, please mark your calander and join in. if there are others out there whose stories you would like to know, invite them to join.

in other words: who are you? why are you here? how did you get here? and now that you're here, what do you think about it?

feb. 29th. see you there.

this is all that i can say right now...

2007-12-29T22:18:00.000-06:00

another comment gone awry

2007-12-28T00:55:00.000-06:00

merry belated christmas and a happy nearly new year to you all.

obviously there is a misunderstanding here. i was intentionally being vague in talking about who exactly it was that was offended because it wasn't really the focal point of what i was sharing. i was simply trying to say that the issue was there, it was affecting me, and i would like prayer about it. sharing is a necessary step so that my emotions don't back up on me. and i in turn do something outrageous. talking about it was the first step to try to deal with the complex emotions in a healthy manner, since the peace was not coming on its own after meditation like usual. it was not to gossip or drag anyone down. (btw, nate, god gets a good healthy dose of my rage at least once every 1-2 weeks. he can handle it, though. he's real good about it, actually.)

but since it seems to be the sticking point, i shall try to elaborate gently. the people in question are not my parents. my mother and father have been nothing but wonderful and supportive and shown nothing but nonjudgemental, unconditional love these past few years as i've gone through this. i honor my parents greatly not simply because it is demanded of me, but also because they deserve it as much as any set of parents this earth has seen. if they had a problem, they didn't say anything to anyone.

so this also means that those in question are not the "hosts" either. they are "guests" along with me.

the original story goes like this. when erin, the kids, and i visited duluth for the last time over the 4th of july, i brought my favorite shirt with me. we arrived the afternoon of the 3rd, spent the entire day on the 4th, and left after lunch on the 5th. i wore the shirt during lunch on the 5th.

skip to a couple of months later when 2 of our syblings were helping our parents to move into their new house. on the way back from that excursion, one sybling told our youngest sybling about the shirt and just how disrespectful it was to everyone there. of course, youngest let me know about it. and our elder sybling is right. the shirt was worn very deliberately.

it's just the motives that are being mistaken.

i had prayed about this alot beforehand, and i felt the clearance to bring my shirt with me. i did, however, out of respect feel that i should leave my other favorite shirts at home. these would include:

you see. now these, i feel, would have been completely crossing the line. the other one, well, it is as its name implies.

i felt in my spirit that it was time to start coming out of the closet to my family about who i really am. i thought one of the best and gentlest ways to do this was to simply wear my favorite shirt, which is cut from a very different cloth, and say nothing about it. simply let it be.

and i believe god felt the same way. at least, if she felt differently, she didn't let me know that. she did however say that it was only to be worn on the last day for the last meal, out of respect. so that's what i did. in fact, between the time i put it on and people were walking out the door to begin their respective treks home again, was less than 45 minutes.

and it's hard for me to see how 45 minutes is too much to ask of someone. to allow me to be fully comfortable for that small span of time while i have been holding back and censoring myself in many ways for 45 hours. i doubt that anyone or anything short of holy spirit intervention will help me to understand why it has to be all or nothing. why even the tininest bit of tolerance can't be dished out. i'm all for people being honest, in fact, if someone would have said something in the moment, we could have discussed it and perhaps even deepened our relationship through discussion about it.

but it wasn't like that.

as always, i have nuanced so much that i have run out of time. i do have follow up on this christmas and how things went, as well as addressing michelle's questions regarding job and finances. i have some for you as well, michelle, if you don't mind. be back in a couple of days...

reflection, roadblocks, and rage

2007-12-22T09:26:00.000-06:00

as we come to the end of another western calander year, i look back. where i am now is so different than where i was a year ago. which is so different from where i was 2 years ago. so, for anyone interested, here are a couple of december classics for your perusal.

last year.
two years ago.

what's next for us? only god knows. i have begun to share with people that i consider the gatherings in our home as being church. the thought seems to shock them initially, to be replaced by genuine smiles of joy as i explain why. although i am sure that it is only a surface understanding, i hope it will continue to grow as will the gatherings. they are only happening once a month right now, but that seems to work best for people at the moment. and the gatherings themselves aren't the main part as church is not simply a gathering but the lives we live in the world moment to moment. and that is the truly exciting part. bringing the party with you wherever you go and drawing people into it if only for a brief moment.

which makes an offer i received last week concerning. it has been put forth to me that i could receive a promotion. which, on the human-sense side seems to be a good thing. however, it has the great potential to consume my mind and life and priorities with worldly things, and i don't want to see that happen. the times i have tried to hold both in my hands has only torn me apart, and i don't want to go the wrong way again. needing your prayers for wisdom and guidance please.

and lastly, i am filled with much anger as i think about going to my parents' for christmas and seeing the family. not simply because of all the things that went down last year and this summer with my bulk email. there is a shirt... well, here. let me show you.

this is my favorite shirt in the world. i feel much better about myself when i wear it, and it is extremely comfortable, so it also makes it my favorite piece of lounge-wear as well. yet, the last time it was worn at a family get together this summer, apparently, there was talk of indignation and disrespect. i wouldn't really know because all of the talk was done behind my back. no one talked with me directly. so now i am faced with a dilemma which on the surface seems silly, but runs very deep for me. it would be easy for me to simply leave the shirt at home and avoid the whole issue, but i wouldn't be doing it because it is what i truly feel inside. i would be doing it to kowtow to other's wishes yet again, and playing this character of who "jon" is in their minds, rather than them accepting me for who i am. it is that very reason that i wanted to stop attending church. i was sick of having to pretend to be someone else in order to receive love and acceptance. and i don't want to go back there again. more prayers for more wisdom please. as well as peace. because the anger gets overwhelming the more i think about it.

have a great christmas and a good new year.

much love from the peres clan.

a good example, continued

2007-11-29T14:33:00.000-06:00

(i started this to simply sum up and tie ends together, but it ended up being something else entirely. so i decided to make it a post instead of just another comment. hopefully you'll take the time to read it. it stands as a response to the last 3 comments from the previous post. upon completion it made the title of "a good example" more relevant and nuanced than upon original intention. hmmmm.)

wendy - those who have tasted and fallen away, manipulative leaders, love of money and evil roots... things that have definitely taken over the mainstream of our global society. something i definitely want to investigate and discuss further, if any are willing, to take a good hard look at our world and what is happening in it all over. which is one reason i am thankful to have both hemispheres represented here. would be nice to get an asian or african perspective thrown in as well. anyone know anyone in those places who enjoys questioning and studying the scriptures in a most unorthodox way, who is not offended to hear viewpoints that differ from their own, and who has an internet connection?

tess - thank you for coming back and addressing my original question. we kind of spiraled off.

"I think the Pharisees were following laws for their own self advancement, not out of a love for the God who made the law."
not out of a true heart love, i would agree. but they were doing it out of a heart for obedience to god as well as self-advancement. which is where the wicket, for me, gets sticky. the topic of "the religion of the pharisees" and the many, many parallels to modern american evangelical christianity is a discussion all its own so i won't delve here. but i will ask, "isn't a heart set on being obedient to god, even for your own personal advancement in religion as well as resurrection, what these people were taught it meant to love god?" i believe it was the pharisees' heart desire to be obedient to god, protect his word, and persecute all those who taught anything different. which is what they were taught by the law. i believe their desire was to never be destroyed or exiled again and so they set out to make absolutely sure that it never happened again by paying extreme attention to the letter of the law.

which, yet again, is what god asked of them back in deuteronomy. in fact, in deuteronomy alone there are 5 separate admonitions to "obey all these laws" so that they may prosper. (personal advancement!) so it is my stance that obeying the law for personal advancement is what they were commanded to do, according to their limited understanding. we know now that this understanding was incorrect, but to be fair, and i think the very heart of my question here, "how were they to know any better?"

when such a priority was given to obeying and performing the rituals, how were they to break free from the pattern?

to paraphrase you, things got hairy because jesus was telling them that their rituals were not enough, and in many cases downright wrong. yet these rituals had been formed and handed down as a way of pleasing god and never breaking his law. which is something god commanded of them. so, in their minds, jesus was telling them to disobey god. and there's only one thing you do with a heretic who misleads so many people on a grand scale like that.

"The pharisees lacked the ability to love God more than they loved themselves."
precisely my point. they lacked the ability. they didn't have a conception of it. because, in my mind, it almost seems as if god shaped them to be that type of people, at that moment in history, in order to accomplish his work. which, in my mind again, seems as if he set them up. by emphasising over and over again that he wanted them to be a people who keep the entire law without fail, without prejudice, and without mercy. and that they should get rid of those who do not follow accordingly before they "lead you astray."

which makes it an amazing and quite well thought out plan, if it happened on purpose like that. you just don't think of god as being the type to set people up like that to be the scapegoats. that's the disturbing part for me. because i very much feel like i got set up. and that may be something no one else here can relate to. feeling like you got set up for a beat down by following god and doing what he asked of you. yet, scripture is littered with examples of people, in my mind, who got beat down by doing what they thought in their hearts was what god wanted them to do. jesus would be among this group.

(all i will say about A&S here is that many people since have sold property or any number of things and only given a portion of it to the church instead of the whole amount and yet they live. in fact, i'm sure it happens on almost a daily basis. weird.)

"Jesus never spoke a word against what was written in the law." i suppose that would all depend on what you would consider "against". in fact, on more than one occasion, jesus amends or downright corrects the law. for example, Matt.19:8-9. jesus says that moses permitted divorce. (something written in the law) he then says that it really isn't permissible unless adultery is involved. thereby nullifying, or correcting, or speaking "against" the law.
(as an interesting side note, jesus always attributes the law to moses and not god. on only one occasion does jesus attribute the law to god and that was in the case of one of the ten commandments.Matt.15:5-6, Mk.7:11-13.)

"However, if we still followed orthodox jewish costums i don't think Jesus would mind as long as we did it out of love for him."
i agree with this. yet, in my opinion, observing laws and traditions is a very slippery slope as the pharisees and evangelical christians have found out the hard way.

patti! thanks for finding your way over, and more than anything, thank you for sharing your thoughts. to commemorate the occasion i have prepared a bundt cake. my first try, but i think it turned out rather well. feel free to have some.

thank you so very much for listening and sharing. it is all too rare to find someone who will wait and listen for the spirit. or even knows how to do that. (which, yet again, is another discussion for another time) the words you shared are words of life. and they also hit on very important things for me as well.

"because I AM"- the only real answer moses and job received for having to endure, or preparing to endure, all manner of hardships for following god. and a strange answer it is at that. instead of trying to explain it to us, god simply says "you don't need to know."

that doesn't, however, stop me from wondering and asking. and in fact, i think is a very healthy process to first of all admit to myself that i have these questions, and then be willing and able to ask them and discuss them freely.

"He was saying if you know my Father, and that I am from Him (and I am Him) than you would know that I am good and trustworthy, and you would come to Me."
one of my great confusions. trying to understand the seeming discrepencies between the character that is clearly and consistantly displayed in jesus and the charachter that is displayed somewhat erratically in jehovah in the OT. trying to understand and come to terms with it.

because i am healing from some pretty serious wounds. in a way in which the only people i feel as though i've been able to relate to on this have been dead for thousands of years. i actually get isaiah, jeremiah, ezekiel, the apostles, and so on and so forth. i understand god asking you to do outlandish, even outrageous and seemingly blasphemous things that will most certainly catch the attention of those in your religious circle. but more than catch their attention, incite them towards a violent heart. all the while, onlookers think that you're absolutely out of your mind. but you follow nonetheless only to be beat down and left for dead on the outskirts of town. the reward of the faithful in this world. time and time again this scenario has been played out, and i feel as though i was caught up in one such scenario and know not why.

for me to be an example? an example of what? radical obedience? willingness to be lead anywhere, even to slaughter? to show the evils that have crept in to evangelicalized religion on the whole? to be an example of what will happen if you read the bible for yourself and then stand up for what you believe to be truth? to help show young people how the religion of the pharisees has become, in many very real ways, the religion of evangelical christianity and its leaders?

and if any of these are the case, did any of the witnesses even notice these things? how many of them were paying attention? how many of them can handle that the truth of the matter was swept under the rug and they were fed lies by the leaders they trust so much? and that they were fed these lies so that the leaders could appear righteous while, in their minds, "be obedient to god, protect his word, and persecute him who taught anything different." sound familiar?

was it all for nothing? right now, it seems so. except for the one fact that i am now free. i am free from traditional and doctrinal restraints that would seek to hold me back from going anywhere and everywhere with the good news of grace.

one reason i believe the lord silenced you on the point of "raw language". although it may not be a freedom you have, it is certainly well within the boundaries of conscience he has given me, as well as it being the simple and plain language of the world i find myself sent to. and to nitpick over something so trivial as groupings of consonants and vowels is so much less important, and would only cause division. rather than the course you have chosen. to be able to set aside such silly things and chat about the great and unsearchable things. i applaud and thank you for being obedient in this.

anyway, thanks again for stopping by. feel free to come around and join in anytime. i can use all of the advice, perspective, and tempering i can get.

a good example

2007-11-06T10:55:00.000-06:00

JOS 7:19-20 Then Joshua said to Achan, "My son, I implore you, give glory to the LORD, the God of Israel, and give praise to Him; and tell me now what you have done. Do not hide it from me." So Achan answered Joshua and said, "Truly, I have sinned against the LORD, the God of Israel..."
JOS 7:24-25 Then Joshua and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, the silver, the mantle, the bar of gold, HIS SONS, HIS DAUGHTERS, his oxen, his donkeys, his sheep, his tent and all that belonged to him; and they brought them up to the valley of Achor. Joshua said, “Why have you troubled us? The LORD will trouble you this day.” And all Israel stoned them with stones; and they burned them with fire after they had stoned them with stones.

John 8:3-11 The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the center of the court, they said to Him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. “Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do You say?”... He straightened up, and said to them, “ He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her...” When they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and He was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the center of the court. Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “ I do not condemn you, either..."

LEV 20:10 If there is a man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, one who commits adultery with his friend’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

i have been reading through the OT for about 3 years nowas i was largely ignorant of what was contained in it. not that the sunday school teachers and pastors didn't talk about it. they did. but it was the same few stories over and over again. there are no flannelgraphs for the levite and his concubine. (Judges 19) but that's another story.

as of late, as i said to my niece a couple of weeks ago, i can only read about one chapter a week because i am so disturbed by the things i am reading. and i believe i have finally been able to put my finger on the crux of the question. which is a very old question, but it remains all the same.

why is there such a difference between god and the way he deals with people in the OT and the NT. not saying there are no similarities at all, but sometimes there are differences so great, they don't make any sense to my mind. and here is one.

so often the story of jesus and the woman caught in adultery is lauded as a great example of the mercy of god shown to us through his son as an example for us to follow in the way we treat others. by treating them as we would have them treat us. with much mercy and grace and judgement-free forgiveness. jesus is seen as a great hero when he calls out the harshness of the pharisees and silently chides them for being so merciless showing them that they indeed are no better than this woman.

but here's the twofold problem for me...

1. - in stopping this proceeding, jesus is in direct opposition to the law which was given by god who commanded his people to follow it upon pain of death and curses for disobedience.

2. - jesus, who is supposedly god, is chiding men FOR DOING EXACTLY WHAT GOD INSTRUCTED THEM TO DO! god is the one who taught the jewish people to kill those who do "wrong" and pounded the point home time and again through exiles and destructions until the jews had decided they would follow the law to the letter and not stray again.

so if jesus is the exact representation of the father, why did he do this? why did the father command jews to stone people, only to rebuke them later for obeying his command? how can a god desire his people to stone a man and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY who did not participate in his "wrongdoing" and later find it strange that his people were hardened and merciless when he commanded them to be so?

this disturbs me. and pat answers about god "having his reasons" and "his ways being higher than our ways" ring very fucking hollow. because somewhere a little girl, through no fault of her own, had her head bashed in by big rocks. and it pleased the lord. what was it like to be part of that mob? did it strike any of them as fucked up? or were they so filled by the "fear of the lord" at this point (because of all the smitings and killings and pestilences and plagues for disobedience) that although they didn't want to kill innocent children, they wanted to preserve themselves and their own households? very understandable. but a real fucked up choice to have to make in the first place. i mean, achan even admitted his wrongdoing, apologized, and told them where to find the evidence!

if any human exhibited this type of terroristic control over a group of people, he would be labeled a psychopath and a terrifically evil man. yet once again, jesus, who is supposed to be this same god in the flesh, does not exhibit any of these corrupt and megalomanical tendancies.

very disturbing and confusing indeed.

party on!

2007-10-23T11:36:00.000-05:00

i am beginning to feel like my old self again. in large measure because of saturday night. we had a house load (8 people total) and had a wonderful time. joy and laughter were abundant. as well as sharing and love between people who did not know each other well before the beginning of the evening. it was a great thing to witness and be a part of.
erin made home-made buffalo chicken bites and chocolate chip cookie-ice cream sandwiches. we played games. we shared. we laughed. but mostly, we connected and deepened relationships and love. it was good to see how, at one point, the games (which i consider to merely be a vehicle for social interaction) fell into the background and we simply connected with one another for almost an hour without needing that vehicle! a major improvement, in my mind, from the days of the past. good to be a part of. it fills me once again with hope and possiblity. i did not find a time as i hoped where i felt lead to share that doing this was church for me. yet having this knowledge within me it was good to see that people were willing to engage in church of this nature for 6 hours! and at the end, people were energized, rejuvenated, and hungry for more. we'll see where this goes!

like sands through the hour glass...

2007-10-19T11:17:00.000-05:00

i woke up again with more crushing despair. when i wake up like that lately, it is difficult. no. nearly impossible to change my frame of mind and outlook. the darkness just comes and comes and comes. and the only thing that relieves it even slightly is to talk about it and let it out rather than let it pile up inside. i was in the midst of listing in detail all of the things that weigh me down when erin said, "enough! i can't live like this any more."
the main source of my despair coming in the form of my latest job. foray number three into restaurant management. it had started off with promise but rapidly became a source of much stress and depression and destructor of harmony at home. some days weren't so bad. but most days were. a neverending shit storm that only left me weary, hopeless, tired, and frustrated. which in turn put me in a very foul mood at home. which in turn brings down the whole house. not a good way to live.

i said to her, "i'm just so worn out all the time. i have nothing left once i get home. nothing but the terrifying knowledge that i have to go back and do it again the next day. so i don't enjoy my time away. i'm so worn out that i feel like i could fall asleep right now." (i'd only been awake for 2 hours at this point)
through a little more conversation, a disingenuine offer to go back to bed was made and i took it anyway. a few minutes later, erin came back and began pouring herself out to me. about not wanting to live like this any more. about being tired of the current dynamic. about being sick of talking about it and it being time to DO something about it. during this whole experience i have felt very much trapped. having no ideas of where to go or what to do. and the only thing that finally came to me was to quit. because the only days at work that i really enjoy and come home with a smile on my face are days when i'm not in charge. so it seems ludicrous to realize this and stay in a position in which i am going to be miserable most of the time. erin gave me permission and i took charge of my situation. i called my old place of employment to get money quickly, and they said okay. i called my current employers to tell them i was enacting the "at-will" employment policy. (much to their chagrin) and i took erin out for a nice dinner that evening to apologize and for us to talk about our future together as a family.

i've felt very much like jonah through this. that i have taken a wrong turn. destruction and chaos have been following me around. and now i'm hoping that having been thrown overboard, things will smooth out for others as well as myself. because i'm finally serious about trying to find out what is next. and allowing it to be birthed into the world through me. it's been difficult because i don't want to feel alone. and more difficult to remember that even when i am alone, i'm not alone.

to remember a favorite saying of my dad's.

"one man, plus god, equals a majority."

beautiful and stunning

2007-10-16T03:09:00.000-05:00

ever heard of an artist named alex grey? this is one of my favorites. he paints very interesting paintings depicting the human experience at all of its levels. through the rudimentary physical present with the pshyche, the spiritual, and the divine at once, his paintings are not only fascinating, they are, to me, revolutionary. helping to raise one's perspective to this common experience we all share right now. much more can be seen at his website...

alexgrey.com

so what do you think?

olden goldies

2007-09-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

got a few big changes coming up here real soon, so i might not have anything inspiringly new to write for awhile. time to take some stock. if you would be so kind, just send some prayers for direction our way. that would be most wonderful.

several of you who are here now weren't around for these. so i've decided to dust off a few for you. more good stuff didn't make it, but i figured its enough anyway. god bless you if you make it through all of them. feel free to chat amongst yourselves. i may jump in if i feel lead.

two thoughts today
how did the chicken cross the red sea? he chartered a ferry.
characters vol. 1
characters vol. 3
enough!
...it seemed relevant
the ones who didn't go
average jew. or... contemplations of the jewish proletariat
surprise party
when was the last time you played tic-tac-toe?
two thoughts on jesus
go and do the same.
...somewhere in the desert
is this the end, or just the beginning?
one side
intermission

lord, we are crying out for your guidance. in fact, several hearts here are screaming for it. we have followed you out here, lord. please, show us where to go next. lead us where you will. give us living water to drink for we are thirsty. give us healing, for we are hurting. give us hearts that do not shrink from fear, but that let go more and more of the things that tie us to this world. provide for us in our need. and bring the overwhelming majesty and beauty of your being into sharp focus for us. the true god. the subversive god. the shaker. the disquieter. the lover. the provider. the healer.

the one.

am i missing something here?

2007-09-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

"Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

"Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery."

it just seems curious. i understand all of the reasons why it is said that homosexuality is "not compatable with a biblical worldview". that's not the point of this. what i find curious is how in the same place that paul says homosexuals will not inherit the kingdom, he also says the same of those who are "adulterers". and furthermore, jesus says that any who are divorced and remarried are adulterers. i'm not here condemning anyone, that's not my place. and this is not to say that i think people should be less tolerant of those who are remarried. what i am curious about is why homosexuals are not MORE welcomed in light of this evidence? if we welcome those who have been divorced and remarried and according to paul have NO INHERITANCE in the kingdom, why do we not welcome ALL peoples whom paul said the same about?

why is such a line drawn? what is the reasoning behind such an inconsistancy?

strange what you find sometimes

2007-09-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

last week as i was searching through an old beastie boys cd booklet, i came across these lyrics. i was surprised as it was not one of the songs i really listened to before. yet as i read these lyrics i was struck by how similar our belief structures are despite the differences in theology. growing up i was always taught to see differences as reasons for disbelief in others. somehow, this seems almost wrong in the face of lyrics like this. and makes me wonder at the hugeness of god and perhaps that he may choose to reveal himself to different peoples in different ways. yet with an undercurrent that is the same through the spirit.

"Bodhisattva Vow"

As I Develop The Awakening Mind I Praise The Buddha As They Shine
I Bow Before You As I Travel My Path
To Join Your Ranks I Make My Full Time Task
For The Sake Of All Beings I Seek
The Enlighted Mind That I Know I'll Reap
Respect To Shantideva And All The Others
Who Brought Down The Darma For Sisters And Brothers
I Give Thanks For This World As A Place To Learn
And For This Human Body That I Know I've Earned
And My Deepest Thanks To All Sentient Beings
For Without Them There Would Be No Place To Learn What I'm Seeing
There's Nothing Here That's Not Been Said Before
But I Put It Down Now So I'll Be Sure
To Solidify My Own Views And I'll Be Glad If It Helps Anyone Else Out Too

If Others Disrespect Me Or Give Me Flack
I'll Stop And Think Before I React
Knowing That They're Going Through Insecure Stages
I'll Take The Opportunity To Exercise Patience
I'll See It As A Chance To Help The Other Person
Nip It In The Bud Before It Can Worsen
A Change For Me To Be Strong And Sure
As I Think On The Buddhas Who Have Come Before
As I Praise And Respect The Good They've Done
Knowing Only Love Can Conquer In Every Situation
We Need Other People In Order To Create
The Circumstances For The Learning That We're Here To Generate
Situations That Bring Up Our Deepest Fears
So We Can Work To Release Them Until They're Cleared
Therefore, It Only Makes Sense To Thank Our Enemies Despite Their Intent

The Bodhisattva Path Is One Of Power And Strength
A Strength From Within To Go The Length
Seeing Others Are As Important As Myself
I Strive For A Happiness Of Mental Wealth
With The Interconnectedness That We Share As One
Every Action That We Take Affects Everyone
So In Deciding For What A Situation Calls
There Is A Path For The Good For All
I Try To Make My Every Action For That Highest Good
With The Altruistic Wish To Achive Buddhahood
So I Pledge Here Before Everyone Who's Listening
To Try To Make My Every Action For The Good Of All Beings
For The Rest Of My Lifetimes And Even Beyond
I Vow To Do My Best To Do No Harm
And In Times Of Doubt I Can Think On The Dharma
And The Enlightened Ones Who've Graduated Samsara

an old conversation that needs some new discussion

2007-09-06T00:07:00.000-05:00

knock, knock.

the road to nowhere

2007-09-02T00:29:00.000-05:00

the first time i saw an add for an iphone something stirred inside of me. a question.

WHAT'S THE POINT?!

seriously. i don't mean an iphone in specific. i talking about something deeper here. what's our aim? is there a point that we're going to invent something and we'll all say, "finally. this is what we've been working for. i'm satisfied now." if not, why are we doing this? why do we keep making these advances in technology? what's the point? all that most of these "advances" serve to do is make us more efficient workers to further these industries under the guise of getting the money we need from a job to buy all of these things that we produce. at the point in history i've been born into, i feel that things move way too fast. and all that is wanted is more. more time. more energy. more efficiency. more money. more advances. which leaves less for friends, family, and fun. it robs you of the ability to be able to just enjoy your life because of life.

why? are we honestly trying to get somewhere? and if not, can we stop going nowhere at 180 mph? even if any business achieves their goal, isn't there a point of maximum density? if everyone has your product, if everyone is a customer of yours, where do you go from there? how do you keep growing? and even if we did, why should we want to?

i'm not saying technology is bad. i'm not a ludite. i, in fact enjoy several different technologies myself and do not wish to see them go away if it can be helped. i'm just wondering if we can simply restructure our world a little bit to not only be a benefit to the smallest percentage of the population. (and i'm talking about the globe here.) is there a way we can figure out how to take these things with us out from under the system we are trapped inside? and if we can't, is it these things that tie us here instead of simply walking away from a sinking ship?