Wednesday, September 03, 2008

in the sun

this is another song from my "epitaph." in terms of the story, i have been completely demoralized, confused, emotionally and spiritually beaten and abused, betrayed, bewildered... you name, i was in it deep. the darkest time of my life. that's where act I ends.

this is the first song on the 2nd CD. the beginning of act II. i hope you enjoy yet another song. i don't know about you, but if it catches me in the right mood, it makes me cry for obvious reasons. this one just hits too close to home. but in a good, healthy, and restorative way. to have a voice to hold me in that moment and offer comfort.




I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

19 comments:

Valorosa said...

An epitaph ...

Where is the death, Jon

jON said...

well, i kind of died and came back as the person i am now.

but in reality, being the apocalyptic person i am, i just felt moved to make an autobiographical CD to be played at my funeral explaining (through the words of others) the tumultuous time i went through. there is a single disc version.

but then more songs kept coming up, so i expanded it to tell the story of me from the time i left my folks until the present which took 2 discs.

this song comes, chronologically, after this. right about at this time.

i think about my death all the time. i've felt like i'm going to die suddenly and young for as long as i can remember. not sure if it's some sort of martyr complex i picked up growing up in church, or something else...

Sue said...

i've felt like i'm going to die suddenly and young for as long as i can remember

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was thinking about death tonight at a lull in the football game and thinking, do I feel scared of dying? And trying to think about if I knew I was going to die in the next 5 minutes how I would feel, and all I could feel was, "rock on". Which sounds a bit weird, right? I mean, I don't have a deathwish. But sometimes this stupid dumb ball we live on with our stupid dumb lives just bores the shit out of me haha. I was looking at seagulls flying around in the dark sky, illuminated against the giant light towers that light up the sports stadium, and thinking, "Oh, man, I want to fly. I want to fly. I want to fly into me and I want to see God and touch him and live in 400 differnet dimensions". But it's not even in a consumerist way, it's just a yearning I have to see my Beloved's face.

And so I guess in some strange weird way, that's why when I first read your words I thought, "Cool!" Which sounds really weird, and of course straight on the tail of that was the thought that you have a wife and a child (or plural?) and so ... yeah. But ... wow, Jon. This is kinda weird cool/a bit not cool but still kinda a bit cool in possibly a selfish kind of way cool.

Does that makes sense?

jON said...

"...it's just a yearning I have to see my Beloved's face."

it makes perfect sense. i don't have a death wish as much as i have a world sick-of-ness. i just am not interested in what actually happens day to day in this world. i see the possibilities of what we could be and what we could become and how, as bono so aptly put it, "we're still building, then burning down love." not coincidently, i think, this is from a song he titled "where the streets have no name."

if i were not married and didn't have children i probably would have "burned out" (in the def leppard 'rock of ages' sense) long ago. i keep the self-destructive urges at bay for their sakes.

but i can't shake the feeling all the same. i know that keith green was married, had two kids, and a third on the way when he left us. so it's not out of the realm of possibility. things like that happen.

Sue said...

Yeah, things like that do happen, definitely. Maybe it's some kind of Grace that you've been informed about it beforehand.

Ahh, Where the Streets Have No Name - I really think that is my favourite U2 song.

Music - the whole world would never have got off the ground without music :)

Sue said...

PS: Those your kids? I just LOVE those together shots - just beautiful :)

wanting more said...

Jon, you said, "i see the possibilities of what we could be and what we could become and how, as bono so aptly put it, "we're still building, then burning down love." "

This reminds me so much of the relationship between the father, the son and the holy spirit in The Shack. I long to have that outlook, and I want to stop focusing on the mundane and just be able to love. Freely.

Sue...Where the Streets Have No Name is my 2nd favorite U2 song only after One Tree Hill. It's funny...I don't even think I know all of the lyrics to either of these songs, but they stir something up inside of me, something emotional and spiritual.

wanting more said...

I just had this other thought. If Jesus's return is in response to his bride crying out "the spirit and the bride say come"...longing to see Him. Ready for the BS here to end. Begging Him to come even though that may mean releasing the great tribulation (this is the only version I know). Well. It kinda sounds like your world-sick-of-ness is your crying out for him to come. ??? Am I way off?

jON said...

no, you are not way off in my opinion. this is exactly what i meant by connecting tool's song "aenima" with jesus' return.

if you're willing, go back to it. listen to it again and read the lyrics. listen to how it shifts from a rant to a prayer when says so.

"i'm praying for rain.
i'm praying for tidal waves..."


it's not just a figure of speech. i can, i don't know, "feel" it. in my spirit. he's genuinely praying.

and to sit by and witness this man praying the depths of his being and realizing what he's praying. the seriousness of it. flush it all away. now.

your kingdom come.

i'm not as extreme as maynard. my prayer is that it all would go away NOW, but i would rather find a way for everyone to have a smooth transition rather than a cataclysm of epic proportions.

but it is a prayer all the same that at its heart is exactly the same despite the differences.

your kingdome come.

Sue said...

"the spirit and the bride say 'come'".

Oooh, I've never really thought of that phrase in that way. Cool!

wanting more said...

Yeah...I totally see that. Because my "christianity" began with such excitement around eschatology, I'm still trying to sort through and figure out what is real, and I think that particular post hit a nerve.

jON said...

the thing that is so strange for me about all of it, and the reason i made the connection between the two, is because maynard is unequivocally NOT a christian by any means.

so where does he get this information if, as we have been told, it is exclusive to christians?

my theory, is that the true god is not bound by such limitations. and that his spirit is ever whispering to all who would listen. there are some who listen who are not christians, and because they are listening to the spirit, never become christians. they don't need the training wheels since they are receiving from the pure source. ghandi, john lennon... just a couple of examples of people who i believe had a rebirth experience yet comepletely apart from christianity.

in my opinion, as i listen and am willing to embrace, i find we share the same spirit even if we don't share all of the same views.

here is a quote i found from maynard that i would say myself: "I guess when I said 'fuck your god,' I didn't mean the actual God. Just the god of sheep who lack a sense of humor."

damn, so much i could say on this and so many ways i could go with this, so i'll just stop there.

wanting more said...

I agree. I don't think God is limited to those who are Christians, most definitely...how else would he have ever spoken to me? Just because one does not call themselves a christian, does not mean that good does not come from them. And, doesn't the Bible say that every good and perfect thing is from above? Yes. It's just another wall that we've put up to box God in to our comfort zones.

Another part of me has to wonder though...doesn't satan also know the Bible and God? And, could he be masquerading as they say? Yet, even then, God uses it for his own purposes. I'm rambling, I know.

Do you put Maynard in the same category as Lennon and GHandi? At first, when you talked about them, my response was, "Whoa. No, uh uh. Because don't you have to confess being a sinner, and accept Jesus and all?" But then, I realized that all of that is more of the same rule book of christianity that men created. So, honestly, it's interesting. I don't know that I agree, but I can't say why I can't disagree.

jON said...

i don't do this often, but i feel moved for a disclaimer here, before i go further. i don't know anything. i have no special revelation from god that i am aware of. as far as i know, i am simply trying tom understand bits of data that come my way as pertains to any issue. so, please, don't take my word as gospel truth. as the oracle always told neo, "i expect you to make up your own damn mind."

now, having said all of that, surely satan knows the bible and god. and he does indeed use that knowledge to disguise himself to mislead people. but let's look at that, shall we?

do i place maynard in the same group as lennon and ghandi? not entirely settled on that yet. but i do know that jesus said we had to be born again. and both of these latter men experienced, what i would categorize in my mind, as a rebirth experience. and, after their rebirth experience, they dedicated their lives to theb pursuit of spreading love, peace, joy, and justice as far and as wide as they could.

i've heard pastors say from thier pulpits that ghandi is the "nicest guy in hell." and that he was not acting as god's agent in this world. these same type of religious leaders, long ago(Mt.12:22-32), challenged jesus abilities to cast out demons saying "it is by beelzebul, the prince of demons, that he is able to cast out demons."

jesus response was twofold. number one - "a kingdom divided against itself cannot stand." if the prince of demons is casting out his own demons, his kingdom will surely fail. in the same vein, if satan is oppressing a nation through a imperialistic power, and then using a man to overthrow the power he has set up, he is surely bound for his efforts on earth to fail.

secondly - jesus then said, "Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come."

to me, this means ghandi, lennon, or maynard can say "fuck jesus" all they want and it will be forgiven them. but the ment who call these people evil, when the evidence of the spirit of god is upon their lives, and mislead others to also call this same spirit evil and despise it and unr from it, these men will NEVER be forgiven. either in this age or the age to come.

so you tell me how, in this scenario, you see satan using the bible and god to mislead people? in the lives of men like ghandi, lennon, or maynard? or in the lives of the religious leaders to whom many ascribe trust and blind faith?

wanting more said...

In my opinion, it would be more likely the latter. Guilt, shame, condemnation...

But who knows? I don't know Ghandi, Lennon, or Maynard enough to know whether or not they were/are christ followers or not or what their intentions were in the beginning, but it seems obvious that good has come out of their lives.

I was really just kind of marveling at how God really does work in the most unlikely of ways more often than those we have come to expect him to.

Sue said...

secondly - jesus then said, "Whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man, it shall be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it shall not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come."

++++++

Keeping in mind, of course, that there is more than one interpretation of what constitutes 'the next age'. The common one is that we live here, and then eternity, and whoever is not on the right side of the ledger here is eternally damned on the other side.

Yet 'the age to come' is an age like this one, if you look at the word used (aionios, which is almost always translated 'eternal' or 'forever', but which can also mean 'of an age' - it's where we get the word eon from, and everyone knows that eon may be a long time, but it doesn't go forever. And so I don't understand how Ghandi and John Lennon could be tapping into the spirit of Christ in their hearts (I believe that all hearts have this spirit on them, I think what happened on the cross did something to our hearts and our blood) and yet be condemned simply because they couldn't accept Christianity. And anyway, regardless of what went on in their earthly lives, I don't think the story is finished for them, or for anyone. But that's just my view. It's terribly heretical, but hey, the whole world has burst into flower since I have entered into it :)

Anyway, sorry. I got up on my aionios platform again :) As you were.

Sue said...

PS: Who is Maynard?

jON said...

"I was really just kind of marveling at how God really does work in the most unlikely of ways more often than those we have come to expect him to."

precisely, kari, and that's what bakes my brain. in fact, it is this topic that began my downfall at my former congregation. i was, at that time, using the example of trent reznor, the brains and composer behind nine inch nails. i, like you, cannot speak as to their true inward being and thoughts, but upon outward reflection, it would seem to me that these men have followed the leadings of holy spirit in their lives whether they are conscious of it or not.

although while ghandi and lennon recognized their change as a deeply religious experience, albeit separate from christianity, people like maynard, trent, and even marilyn manson would not. however, regardless of their conscious views on the subject, i see something at work in theior lives in a pattern similar to how holy spirit has worked in me. all without the use of religious language, and in fact, mostly through language taht is particularly abusive of christian religion.

which is not that different from the language jesus used towards the religion of his day and its leaders. its just so strange to me how a close look at the lives of these men who i have been warned against my whole life through popular christian culture reveals men with a heatr more closely trained towards god than those who do the warning. in my experience.

sue! - no problems getting on you aionios platform around here. in fact i think the aforementioned song from tool, aenima, fits in nicely with this view. crying out for a moving on of the world. which leads nicely into your second question. maynard james keenan is the lead singer/lyricist for the band Tool. he is by no means a christian, and when i use examples of these men i am by no means condoning looking to them as leaders or examples of a life well lived or a path to take, i simply observe them and see how their paths have similarities to mine and marvel at how men of such nihlistic and mostly atheistic being can be used so mightily by the spirit, unbeknownst to themselves, because the fear has been removed.

its almost funny that since they no longer believe in god, they are now free to be the beings god wants them to be. its as if rejecting the false god of christianity (our man-made traditions and controls) has lead them closer to the true god. by running away from the lies, they have run closer to the truth.

Sue said...

"ts as if rejecting the false god of christianity (our man-made traditions and controls) has lead them closer to the true god. by running away from the lies, they have run closer to the truth."

+++++++

TOTALLY!!!!! It's why I rejoice to see so many people walking away from it all. Which may sound heretical to some, I guess, because some people seem to be discarding their faith along the way. But maybe some versions of faith never really were that, I don't know. All I know is how you have said it - the less fear, the more people can be themselves and the more the spirit shines through them and it is beautiful :)