Monday, July 14, 2008

an open comment to a fellow survivor.

girl, i am right there with you again and again and again. how long does it take? i'm not sure having never gone through something like this before. perhaps i never will get over it. perhaps i was really mamed far worse than i know because the damage wasn't visible. and perhaps that's all for the best. because i really felt like a lump of raw meat completely ground into the pavement.

so the fact that i'm "walking" again at all is a miracle. even with a limp... ;-)

i believe you joined us right towards the end of my darkest days. i wanted to die. i really did. never before had i ever gotten to the place where i really said, "okay god, if you want to take me, go ahead. i'm done." but i was just so miserable i didn't want it to go on.

i'm glad i've put in the hard work of recovery instead. i think it's just hard to realize you need not bow to that idol in your mind anymore. when it's so ingrained in who you are as an identity, and then find out that what you had built, you had built on sand and everything got washed away... it strikes doubly deep.

to be told we are disappointing to the people we wanted to be proud of us most is a problem that pervades all areas of life and relationships. yet, that is the very heart of the problem. because, in truth, it's not their thoughts that matter.

at least in my experience.

all i've ever tried to be for you is someone to go through it with. when it happened to me, i was for the most part, completely alone and very frightened. i think all of us who have had this experience were. i just happened to see that you were going through the same thing as me. only about a few months behind. so i could look and say, "i've been there before! i was just there!"

i didn't have any voices like that other than holy spirit. which is not a bad voice to have. don't get me wrong, it's THE voice, i'm just saying, that i didn't have anyone around me to confirm my questions of whether or not i was indeed hearing from god.

so i do my best to assuage your fears and let you know you're on the right road. or at least one that will lead to wherever two people like us end up! hopefully there's more like us out there and there's a special place prepared for all of us. a place where we'll be together forever and won't be a nuisance to anyone else ever again.

that would be fucking sweet.

i bet ac/dc would be there. nine inch nails. linkin park. tool. queen. jimi hendrix. the beatles. george carlin. just to name a scant few. wherever these folks are headed, if we indeed are headed anywhere after death to be grouped together by like kind, then i know that i am going to be wherever they are. because i know we are the same on a heart level. we all share a common something that defines us. that intangible something that drove us. that bound us. that brought us to this place. wherever that may be...


One Voice of Many said...

I came in today to check blogs still trying to shake that echoing feeling of "it's so lonely in this place" and found this comment. What a relief to read your comments to whomever you were referring. ;-)

Having you (and the others of course) come along-side and nod with "yup... that's familiar"... "yup.. I hear ya there" ... and even a "you're a little off here but I understand your frustration and you'll get through this" -- it's been such a life-saver. I can usually string some sort of melancholy dribble together to express what I feel but at this moment all I can say is thank you.

I think what is unsettling for me now is knowing the relationships that I thought were true friendships - those that last through no matter what - have thrown me out without much of an explanation or opportunity for discussion. Now they talk about me in my absence like I was some sort of germ. It makes me a bit insecure. One day I might disappoint you all. One day you might all email me your scorn and disapproval. I do hope not.

Maybe the answer is to thoroughly enjoy the moments that you have with companions but be settled enough in yourself to not go reeling when things go to shit? I have no idea. I'd rather not experience this again actually and I hold reservation that I might blockade off to protect from any further damage. That's not healthy either.

It's definitely a challenge finding a psychological balance in the midst of such life changing views.

This turned into total rambling. Thanks for enduring. :-)


Valorosa said...

;-) There will be more crap like this that will come along. You will endure it better next time because your focus has changed to the One who matters.

Strength and wisdom gained from getting through this will be your shield.

One Voice of Many said...

Thanks Val. I know you're right - that more crap will come eventually. I do hope it's not as crushing next time around.