Friday, July 25, 2008

this isn't a hiatus, really. i just don't have a lot to say at the moment. these couple of posts i do have rumbling around need more time to bake. mainly right now i'm trying to process the past few years, and all the conversations had, and people met, and theories expounded, and experiences had. cataloguing you might say. instead, blogwise, i only feel inspired to do 2 things. post little bits like songs or scenes or anything really from people who share some thoughts that have resonated deeply within me on a spiritual level. the other is to read people's blogs from the beginning for fun and study. so be warned, one day soon i may be knocking on the doors of your history. answer if you desire. i will still be around, in and out so to speak. so i'll either see you around here or there. hopefully i'll have a genuine new post within a month or so.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Sunday, July 20, 2008

be right back

i will be gone for a couple of days. erin and i finally get a chance to get away for 2 whole nights in a row! we are going to be staying here, so needless to say, we're pretty excited. have fun while we're gone, help yourselves to anything in the fridge.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

a time such as this

it hit me the other day. it has been skirting around the outer edges of my brain for some time now, and i have made mention of it, not understanding the full implications. and maybe there aren't any implications. i can be open to that as well. but still... i don't want to ignore something so signifigant that is staring me in the face either.

one verse that stuck out right away once i began reading the bible over again as a free man was this: Gen11:6"The LORD said, 'Behold, they are one people, and they all have the same language. And this is what they began to do, and now nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them.'"

it stuck out to me for 2 reasons.
1. - it would seem as though there was a time when "nothing was impossible" for humans. a time when "infinite possiblities" reigned.
2. - it would also seem that this ability to "do anything" is based on choice, but more than that, the combination of choices. i.e. the more people who purpose in themselves to join to a course of action, the greater the ability to bring it to pass.

now the important part.

according to the narrative told in genesis, god confused the language of mankind into various languages in order to keep that from happening. perhaps we were not advanced enough as a species to be able to handle taht kind of awesome responsibility. i don't know. i'm not going to speculate. (i'm not even going to speculate on whether or not this is a "true story")

the significant thing for me that clicked in my head a few days ago is that we have finally reached a point in our development as a world in which this curse has been overcome. we have now come to a point where we, as a world community of humans, are now able to communicate fully with one another again.

i think, if we so chose, we could finally change the world. the implications are outrageous. but first we have this problem of "the carrot." we have trained people for generations to work for money and not for altruistic reasons or the betterment of humanity in general. i believe we could house and clothe and feed the world if we so chose to coordinate our efforts as a global society. i believe we could offer people better alternatives in regards to living communities and social norms. i believe we could do away with paradigm basics like time and money and come up with something else...

but in order to do this, we would need to be willing to put in the hard work. we would need to be willing to "lay this world down", like a "thing", and simply walk away from it.

yet, what would our world be? i have so many thoughts on this... have we gone a generation too far to make any real use of this awesome responsibility and power now in our laps? are we now so hopelessly addicted to this paradigm of "stuff and convenience" that we have completely lost the ability to do for ourselves?

are we really trapped inside of this paradigm? or are we trapped inside of our own greed, laziness, and complacency?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Monday, July 14, 2008

have you ever heard him speak before?

an open comment to a fellow survivor.

girl, i am right there with you again and again and again. how long does it take? i'm not sure having never gone through something like this before. perhaps i never will get over it. perhaps i was really mamed far worse than i know because the damage wasn't visible. and perhaps that's all for the best. because i really felt like a lump of raw meat completely ground into the pavement.

so the fact that i'm "walking" again at all is a miracle. even with a limp... ;-)

i believe you joined us right towards the end of my darkest days. i wanted to die. i really did. never before had i ever gotten to the place where i really said, "okay god, if you want to take me, go ahead. i'm done." but i was just so miserable i didn't want it to go on.

i'm glad i've put in the hard work of recovery instead. i think it's just hard to realize you need not bow to that idol in your mind anymore. when it's so ingrained in who you are as an identity, and then find out that what you had built, you had built on sand and everything got washed away... it strikes doubly deep.

to be told we are disappointing to the people we wanted to be proud of us most is a problem that pervades all areas of life and relationships. yet, that is the very heart of the problem. because, in truth, it's not their thoughts that matter.

at least in my experience.

all i've ever tried to be for you is someone to go through it with. when it happened to me, i was for the most part, completely alone and very frightened. i think all of us who have had this experience were. i just happened to see that you were going through the same thing as me. only about a few months behind. so i could look and say, "i've been there before! i was just there!"

i didn't have any voices like that other than holy spirit. which is not a bad voice to have. don't get me wrong, it's THE voice, i'm just saying, that i didn't have anyone around me to confirm my questions of whether or not i was indeed hearing from god.

so i do my best to assuage your fears and let you know you're on the right road. or at least one that will lead to wherever two people like us end up! hopefully there's more like us out there and there's a special place prepared for all of us. a place where we'll be together forever and won't be a nuisance to anyone else ever again.

that would be fucking sweet.

i bet ac/dc would be there. nine inch nails. linkin park. tool. queen. jimi hendrix. the beatles. george carlin. just to name a scant few. wherever these folks are headed, if we indeed are headed anywhere after death to be grouped together by like kind, then i know that i am going to be wherever they are. because i know we are the same on a heart level. we all share a common something that defines us. that intangible something that drove us. that bound us. that brought us to this place. wherever that may be...

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

heart exercises

"The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."

in a desire to see things move from the cerebral to the actual, i propose to you something that was proposed to me by the spirit about 2 years ago. i call them "heart exercises." you may find them useful, you may not. but, at the very least, i think they are worth giving a whirl.

i had been agonizing over having a faith that, when followed, made me into a grade A asshole. very much an "us&them" style of faith, which of course had its results in the way i looked at and treated other people. i'm not proud, it just is what it is. one day, however, as my beliefs about the cross changed and i began to see it as something much more wide open and accepting, god spoke to my heart, unexpectedly, in line at the grocery store.

"if you truly believe that my son's blood is for everyone, and that all are now brothers and sisters at this moment, though some unaware, then i want you to focus all of your energy on the person in front of you. first break through the invisible wall that you place in your mind to keep others out. really notice that person standing here with you in this place in real time and space and realize there is no wall between you. next, i want you to allow your heart to experience what it would experience if this was your brother or sister or a really good friend that you had not seen for awhile. then, when experienced, hold that person in your heart and imagine how you would speak to them, if they were indeed a long lost someone. would there be burgeoning excitement? perhaps hugs? smiles? a brightness to your eyes? an excitement that might be hard to contain? try it."

i did, and i found myself surprised at how quickly my heart was able to open up and make room for this "stranger." as i began to practice this more and more and found myself able to open my heart easily and fil with warmth and love for someone i never met, essentially removing my fear of someone i didn't know, the spirit then asked me to open my mouth. not to that person, but when my heart was filled with that openness and acceptance and love, to then turn that towards the cashier and strike up a conversation about anything but with this emotive and spiritual force behind it. it was literally amazing to hear the things that would come out of my mouth naturally and the smiles that these people would offer up as someone reahced across the fake lines of treating them as slaves, or even worse, machines, or worse still, invisible. to recognize them as human and give them a little human interaction.

the final step in these preliminary exercises was to then, while standing in line, tear down my wall entirely and begin to fell with my heart and spirit the entirety of the store and realize there are no walls between aisles, we're all together in a wide open room with shelving, but really, this is a place filled with many humans who need and deserve the same kind of love and acceptance. and then, to hold everyone in the building in my heart in the same fashion.

as a result, i have learned how to look anyone in the eye without fear and connect with them at a heart level. from the shyest person to the "hardest-pipe-hitting-brother" i have been able to learn how to cut through people's masks and see them where they live inside.

if this at all sounds interesting to you, i would be interested to hear of your experiences if you give it a shot. remember, step one requires nothing of you but an open heart. no words, no encounters, no pressure. just an open heart waiting to be found.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

"This cosmic portrait is flanked by the skull/fetus that represents our embeddedness in linear time. The central Being, formed by infinite energy lines, exists outside of temporal reality. The Skull/Fetus' bracketing the "eternal one" indicates the impermanence of life. Confronted by the constraints of transience, every instant offers the capacity to realize our everlasting essence."

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

rote rewind: it's happened before

"Not everyone believes what you do Morpheus."
"My beliefs do not require them to..."

here's something i found just a few hours after finishing my last post. i will post what i have here although the language can be a little strange to read if you are not used to it, considering he speaks in very long sentances translated in older english. i trust you are able to follow...

"When they [the heretics] are refuted out of the Scriptures they betake them to accusing the Scriptures themselves as if there were something amiss with them and they carried not authority, because the Scriptures, they say, contain diverse utterances, and the truth cannot be found in them by those that know not the traidition. For that, they say, has been handed down not by means of writings but by means of the living voice; wherefore Paul also said:'Howbeit we speak wisdom among the perfect: yet a wisdom not of this world.' And this wisdom each one of them claims to be that which he has found by himself, that is, a thing invented...

Yet when we appeal again to the tradition which is derived from the Apostles, and which is safeguarded in the churches through the successions of presbyters, they then are adversaries of tradition, claiming to be wiser not only than the presbyters but even than the Apostles, and to have discovered the truth undefiled... Thus it comes about that they now agree neither with the Scriptures nor with tradition... Such, beloved, are our adversaries in this conflict, men after the fashion of slippery snakes, seeking to escape every way..." - Irenaeus, from Adversus Haereses, c. 180AD

this is a good example of old theology and discussion. irenaeus is obviously of the othodox and "apostolic tradition." when looking for opposing viewpoints of old, you generally only find them in writings such as these which spell out the problems that the church fathers had with any particular group of people for going against tradition. you get a small glimpse of what the heretics believed, but not without shading and personal commentary.

however, it looks to me as if BOTH traditions have a long heritage. and the things we are finding now are nothing new. just things that refuse to die. irenaeus goes on to spell out the correctives for this and why it is important to pay heed to those men who have been appointed to position. he also speaks of those who have "unauthorised gatherings" outside of the offical church gatherings and how they should be stopped immediately... obviously i am caught up in a tension that has been going on for well over 1828 years. hmmm....

Tuesday, July 01, 2008


7 dirty words


soft language

common experiences

the american dream

pussy farts