Friday, December 28, 2007

another comment gone awry

merry belated christmas and a happy nearly new year to you all.

obviously there is a misunderstanding here. i was intentionally being vague in talking about who exactly it was that was offended because it wasn't really the focal point of what i was sharing. i was simply trying to say that the issue was there, it was affecting me, and i would like prayer about it. sharing is a necessary step so that my emotions don't back up on me. and i in turn do something outrageous. talking about it was the first step to try to deal with the complex emotions in a healthy manner, since the peace was not coming on its own after meditation like usual. it was not to gossip or drag anyone down. (btw, nate, god gets a good healthy dose of my rage at least once every 1-2 weeks. he can handle it, though. he's real good about it, actually.)

but since it seems to be the sticking point, i shall try to elaborate gently. the people in question are not my parents. my mother and father have been nothing but wonderful and supportive and shown nothing but nonjudgemental, unconditional love these past few years as i've gone through this. i honor my parents greatly not simply because it is demanded of me, but also because they deserve it as much as any set of parents this earth has seen. if they had a problem, they didn't say anything to anyone.

so this also means that those in question are not the "hosts" either. they are "guests" along with me.

the original story goes like this. when erin, the kids, and i visited duluth for the last time over the 4th of july, i brought my favorite shirt with me. we arrived the afternoon of the 3rd, spent the entire day on the 4th, and left after lunch on the 5th. i wore the shirt during lunch on the 5th.

skip to a couple of months later when 2 of our syblings were helping our parents to move into their new house. on the way back from that excursion, one sybling told our youngest sybling about the shirt and just how disrespectful it was to everyone there. of course, youngest let me know about it. and our elder sybling is right. the shirt was worn very deliberately.

it's just the motives that are being mistaken.

i had prayed about this alot beforehand, and i felt the clearance to bring my shirt with me. i did, however, out of respect feel that i should leave my other favorite shirts at home. these would include:

you see. now these, i feel, would have been completely crossing the line. the other one, well, it is as its name implies.

i felt in my spirit that it was time to start coming out of the closet to my family about who i really am. i thought one of the best and gentlest ways to do this was to simply wear my favorite shirt, which is cut from a very different cloth, and say nothing about it. simply let it be.

and i believe god felt the same way. at least, if she felt differently, she didn't let me know that. she did however say that it was only to be worn on the last day for the last meal, out of respect. so that's what i did. in fact, between the time i put it on and people were walking out the door to begin their respective treks home again, was less than 45 minutes.

and it's hard for me to see how 45 minutes is too much to ask of someone. to allow me to be fully comfortable for that small span of time while i have been holding back and censoring myself in many ways for 45 hours. i doubt that anyone or anything short of holy spirit intervention will help me to understand why it has to be all or nothing. why even the tininest bit of tolerance can't be dished out. i'm all for people being honest, in fact, if someone would have said something in the moment, we could have discussed it and perhaps even deepened our relationship through discussion about it.

but it wasn't like that.

as always, i have nuanced so much that i have run out of time. i do have follow up on this christmas and how things went, as well as addressing michelle's questions regarding job and finances. i have some for you as well, michelle, if you don't mind. be back in a couple of days...

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