Friday, October 19, 2007

like sands through the hour glass...

i woke up again with more crushing despair. when i wake up like that lately, it is difficult. no. nearly impossible to change my frame of mind and outlook. the darkness just comes and comes and comes. and the only thing that relieves it even slightly is to talk about it and let it out rather than let it pile up inside. i was in the midst of listing in detail all of the things that weigh me down when erin said, "enough! i can't live like this any more."
the main source of my despair coming in the form of my latest job. foray number three into restaurant management. it had started off with promise but rapidly became a source of much stress and depression and destructor of harmony at home. some days weren't so bad. but most days were. a neverending shit storm that only left me weary, hopeless, tired, and frustrated. which in turn put me in a very foul mood at home. which in turn brings down the whole house. not a good way to live.

i said to her, "i'm just so worn out all the time. i have nothing left once i get home. nothing but the terrifying knowledge that i have to go back and do it again the next day. so i don't enjoy my time away. i'm so worn out that i feel like i could fall asleep right now." (i'd only been awake for 2 hours at this point)
through a little more conversation, a disingenuine offer to go back to bed was made and i took it anyway. a few minutes later, erin came back and began pouring herself out to me. about not wanting to live like this any more. about being tired of the current dynamic. about being sick of talking about it and it being time to DO something about it. during this whole experience i have felt very much trapped. having no ideas of where to go or what to do. and the only thing that finally came to me was to quit. because the only days at work that i really enjoy and come home with a smile on my face are days when i'm not in charge. so it seems ludicrous to realize this and stay in a position in which i am going to be miserable most of the time. erin gave me permission and i took charge of my situation. i called my old place of employment to get money quickly, and they said okay. i called my current employers to tell them i was enacting the "at-will" employment policy. (much to their chagrin) and i took erin out for a nice dinner that evening to apologize and for us to talk about our future together as a family.

i've felt very much like jonah through this. that i have taken a wrong turn. destruction and chaos have been following me around. and now i'm hoping that having been thrown overboard, things will smooth out for others as well as myself. because i'm finally serious about trying to find out what is next. and allowing it to be birthed into the world through me. it's been difficult because i don't want to feel alone. and more difficult to remember that even when i am alone, i'm not alone.

to remember a favorite saying of my dad's.

"one man, plus god, equals a majority."


One Voice of Many said...

So sorry to hear of your struggles lately but also relieved that you found an end to the black hole that was swelling around you.

I understand the feeling that something has GOT to change or else all will fall apart. I'm looking forward to hearing of the new things that begin to develop for you and your family.

Nate said...

Well my perfectionist brother, I knew that you would not like the ARG company at all. I know them well, since they are based in the ATL. I know how they operate, how they push, what they expect. That is why I ask how you liked it after you had been there a while.

I could also tell that you were unhappy. You clam up, not wantong to burden others with your problems. Please, burden me. You ain't heavy, your my brother. I have some ideas for you that you may like even more than the pizza thing. Give me a call. It seems that you should have some free time. Unless they have you working Saturday night already.

Nate said...

PS-We are moving on to Phillipians at the bible study. Please, rejoin us.

Dena G said...

You're my brother, too...just without that whole genetic connection thing you have with Nate. ;-) You can burden me anytime as've been there for me when I needed someone to listen and I stand ready to return the favor.

Praying for you, my friend. You're right--you're not alone.

jON said...

thank you OVOM, nate, and dena. it was not arg so much as the fact that i really hate being in charge of other people. i know that now through and through. i am a leader, but i am no good with authority. i lead better from underneath rather than from above. i do not know if this makes sense to you or not, because i know we are very different in this vein.

i am free today and not. i have organized a gathering like we used to have to see what springs up. my goal now is to go back to the last period in my life when i felt everything was on track and start from there. so, you have delivering pizzas in woodbury and home gatherings. then we'll progress from there.

if you would like to call, feel free. but i will be spending most of my day soaking up my kids and readying the home. erin is going to try making some buffalo chicken bites! i am very excited. as well as our being able to finally try out our new "the price is right" dvd game with more than 2 people!

if the time is right i would like to reveal to people how doing this is church for me. and if they like, could be for them as well. and we'll just see What Jesus Will Do With This Church.


jON said...

as far as phillipians goes... i would enjoy rejoining. but my perspective on scripture and the things i see in it right now has changed so much i do not feel like my point of view would be edifying or welcome. mostly right now i see things that disturb me deeply and lead to great upheaving questions.

in my personal studies i am in joshua(which disturbs me to no end as god continues to tell the israelites to slaughter many, many people including women and children), job(which makes a LOT of sense right now), and romans(which is hard to swallow as i have a hard time listening to paul as if he were god).

and i have thought much about this. and i was thinking about posting an apology for holding back and not sharing my thoughts on what i'm reading in the bible. but if you would like me back, i would like to start.

Dena G said...

"Church" for me tonight is getting together with some of the girls for what we like to call a "hen party"...with some good coffee, a little Kahlua, some snackies and a lot of cussing and discussing our lives and the world in general. THAT is church...plain and simple, pure and simple.

Nate said...

Your thoughts have always been wacky and welcome. Come on back.

Valorosa said...

Consider the Lilies ...

Good soap title. ;-)