i am beginning to feel like my old self again. in large measure because of saturday night. we had a house load (8 people total) and had a wonderful time. joy and laughter were abundant. as well as sharing and love between people who did not know each other well before the beginning of the evening. it was a great thing to witness and be a part of.
erin made home-made buffalo chicken bites and chocolate chip cookie-ice cream sandwiches. we played games. we shared. we laughed. but mostly, we connected and deepened relationships and love. it was good to see how, at one point, the games (which i consider to merely be a vehicle for social interaction) fell into the background and we simply connected with one another for almost an hour without needing that vehicle! a major improvement, in my mind, from the days of the past. good to be a part of. it fills me once again with hope and possiblity. i did not find a time as i hoped where i felt lead to share that doing this was church for me. yet having this knowledge within me it was good to see that people were willing to engage in church of this nature for 6 hours! and at the end, people were energized, rejuvenated, and hungry for more. we'll see where this goes!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
i woke up again with more crushing despair. when i wake up like that lately, it is difficult. no. nearly impossible to change my frame of mind and outlook. the darkness just comes and comes and comes. and the only thing that relieves it even slightly is to talk about it and let it out rather than let it pile up inside. i was in the midst of listing in detail all of the things that weigh me down when erin said, "enough! i can't live like this any more."
the main source of my despair coming in the form of my latest job. foray number three into restaurant management. it had started off with promise but rapidly became a source of much stress and depression and destructor of harmony at home. some days weren't so bad. but most days were. a neverending shit storm that only left me weary, hopeless, tired, and frustrated. which in turn put me in a very foul mood at home. which in turn brings down the whole house. not a good way to live.
i said to her, "i'm just so worn out all the time. i have nothing left once i get home. nothing but the terrifying knowledge that i have to go back and do it again the next day. so i don't enjoy my time away. i'm so worn out that i feel like i could fall asleep right now." (i'd only been awake for 2 hours at this point)
through a little more conversation, a disingenuine offer to go back to bed was made and i took it anyway. a few minutes later, erin came back and began pouring herself out to me. about not wanting to live like this any more. about being tired of the current dynamic. about being sick of talking about it and it being time to DO something about it. during this whole experience i have felt very much trapped. having no ideas of where to go or what to do. and the only thing that finally came to me was to quit. because the only days at work that i really enjoy and come home with a smile on my face are days when i'm not in charge. so it seems ludicrous to realize this and stay in a position in which i am going to be miserable most of the time. erin gave me permission and i took charge of my situation. i called my old place of employment to get money quickly, and they said okay. i called my current employers to tell them i was enacting the "at-will" employment policy. (much to their chagrin) and i took erin out for a nice dinner that evening to apologize and for us to talk about our future together as a family.
i've felt very much like jonah through this. that i have taken a wrong turn. destruction and chaos have been following me around. and now i'm hoping that having been thrown overboard, things will smooth out for others as well as myself. because i'm finally serious about trying to find out what is next. and allowing it to be birthed into the world through me. it's been difficult because i don't want to feel alone. and more difficult to remember that even when i am alone, i'm not alone.
to remember a favorite saying of my dad's.
"one man, plus god, equals a majority."
at 11:17 AM
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
ever heard of an artist named alex grey? this is one of my favorites. he paints very interesting paintings depicting the human experience at all of its levels. through the rudimentary physical present with the pshyche, the spiritual, and the divine at once, his paintings are not only fascinating, they are, to me, revolutionary. helping to raise one's perspective to this common experience we all share right now. much more can be seen at his website...
so what do you think?
at 3:09 AM